What this picture means to me.
Today is Father's day and while I've always thought the world of Lord Vader as a both a husband and a father, I've never found the words to express it. I bought him a book when baby elephant was 5 weeks old, about him being the best Dad in the world and I've always felt blessed when I talk about how he helps in taking care of baby elephant, but I always felt like I wasn't expressing what or how I felt fully. Then last night, as I was watching baby elephant sleep, I realised how I knew Vader was the greatest dad in the world. The one defining moment, was when I saw this picture taken by Vader. Vader was sitting in the living room with baby elephant after having fed him. He was talking to him and playing with him and all was silent in the house.
I was in the bedroom weeping like a deranged woman. I wept every single day after baby elephant was born. Until this moment, I'm still not sure if I was suffering from a genuine case of post natal depression or if was just a bad adjustment period for me. I constantly felt inadequate as a mother because I wasn't proficient at diaper changing, bathing, producing enough breastmilk, calming and putting my child to sleep. I constantly read about how mothers bond readily with their baby and start emanating warmth and are filled with joy when they look at their newborn child. My experience couldn't have been further from this. I constanlty swung from feeling like I had not done enough to love my child to wishing that I had not had baby elephant, even to suggesting to Vader that the three of us might be better off if we gave him up for adoption. I couldn't seem to calm him down without offering him the breast, but I also didn't want to encourage him to use the breast as a pacifier. I was constantly at a loss and I'm sure baby elephant could feel how jittery I was.
Then Vader showed me the picture of him smiling. Some may say it's gas, or a reflex, but to me at that moment, it meant he could be calm and happy in this house, with us. Because I was not around when he smiled, it meant he felt safe enough in Vader's arms to smile and later proceed to fall asleep. It was to me, an expression of Vader's love as a father. How did I know Vader was a great dad? I saw it in my son's face.
Your post partum experience seems as natural as can be. I hid in the bedroom a lot after the twins were born. I remember once going to the playground so that I could cry in peace. I think the feeling of inadequacy is natural and I think not enough people tell new moms that it is okay to feel that way. Plus I think I only really 'liked' the twins when they were much older. :)
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