I think the problem comes when growing money becomes the main preoccupation (even if we are not aware of it). When it supercedes our interest in what we do, when it overshadows the essence of a person or family / religious values. At times, even more horrifying, it is couched as a value. You must make more money so you can provide for your parents / children, that is what makes you a filial child / responsible parent. Bollocks! That's my instinctive response. But within my twisted mind and in the constant struggle to be a good daughter and a good mother, a voice tells me:
- If mother wants me to make more money, then I should, I should make her happy and not question her intentions or methods.
- If I want to be able to buy things at a whim for baby Vader without having to worry about the balance in my bank account, then I should be making more money. If I were constantly worrying about money, I wouldn't be able to focus on spending quality time with him right?
Because I am now 18 weeks pregnant with our second child, and because I stopped working to turn free lance prior to finding out I was pregnant, I now worry about the finances alot more. I am not as active and mobile as before, so I can't do as much work, and due to the terrible first trimester morning sickness, work came to a standstill. Almost on a weekly basis, I complain to Vader about the money, and he tells me there is nothing to worry about because we have more than enough to get by. Then he said, maybe my obsession with hoarding money has been inherited. He's right, I constantly need to see the numbers growing in my bank account balance or panic starts to set in. I desparately try to scrimp and save (it makes it easier because I am not drawn to shopping or luxury items) so I have more to save each month, on top of what I already put aside, I try to set a record each month, to save more and more, and to look at the numbers and relish in them. When I am able to step out of this haze, I realise how childish and ugly this obsession is. It was someone I never wanted to become and I will continue to fight this tendency.
I also want to remember, more importantly, that my children do not need to impress me. That I do not want them to grow up fearing that I will be disappointed in them if they do not attain a certain status or earn a certain amount of money. That they were perfectly made and they will be loved for who they are instead of who we want them to be. That they will live in this knowledge of love and not in fear.
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