The card says it all :)
This is from a couple of weekends ago, when I was nursing a runny nose the entire Saturday. The card was drawn by Vader, but I noticed baby Vader (no prizes for guessing his name now) had contributed his scribblings :) I recovered within a day, but baby Vader took a longer time, in fact, his nose is still slightly stuffy now..... although he doesn't seem to mind.
You lookin' at me?
Someone's sure nailed the grumpy look.
Sorry sweetheart, you're gonna hate having this picture posted, but mummy sure thinks you still look heavenly, even with that stare and the unkempt hair!
Everyone's got a public and a private self. The distinction between the two selves varies from person to person. Mine, they're almost two distinct and separate persons. Why? I can't go into too much detail, only to say that I grew up learning that if your closest of kins cannot protect you and in fact will harm you (albeit unconsciously and intentionally), then my only choice was to withdraw and protect myself, to run to a place I could get some peace of mind. However, this didn't prevent me from constantly wondering what I did wrong. So the public self was always agreeable (well, most of the time at least) while the private self doubted everything and rebelled without reason, just because their was always an issue with authority figures.
Wearing this mask for a long time only served to gnaw away at my inner core, my true self. Slowly and gradually, I never wanted to be at home, hiding in my room was no longer good enough a refuge for me. I wanted to stay away, but there was no where I could go or stay for long. I planned to leave the country but didn't know what I could do and even which country I should choose. I just wanted OUT!
Until ........
Vader came along. When we were just learning about each other, he was the most annoying person ever, because he never allowed me to retreat too much into my cave without first talking to him about issues. I could probably write a novel on this, but it wouldn't even sell lar, maybe only Vader would want to read it. hahaha
The process of coming out of my shell carried on after baby Vader was born, it carries on even now and I will need an entire lifetime of learning. I am thankful for the lessons though.
Last Saturday evening, baby Vader refused all his food, because he saw that Vader and I were having burgers and fries. After much screaming on his part, we let him eat some bread and his fruit (of which he only allowed us to feed him half), then he went to sleep with his bottle of milk. The following day, he started his lunch by pushing away his food and my hands and pointed to my lunch of macaroni soup. I gladly scooped out some for him and gingerly cut the macaroni into smaller pieces for him. He ate 3 or 4 pieces, with his soup, then started whining to be carried out of his chair again. He also toppled his bowl of macaroni on the floor! By this time, I was overcome by worry at the meagre amount of food he was getting into his system, so I raised my voice at him, ignored his whining, picked up all the food on the floor and threw the metal bowl into the sink from the dining table (1.5 metres away), making a loud clang as it landed. Then, knowing that he still wanted me to carry him, I pushed his chair away from myself forcefully (but without any harm to him, thankfully!). My instinct right then was to walk away, to run to another room, but I could not, absolutely could not, because he needed me.
I was torn between my need to get away and his needs and wrecked by guilt at having pushed him away. And I was alone with him at home.... That was when I started crying in front of him. I moved closer to him and held his hands. apologising and explaining why I had lost my cool, while the tears flowed uncontrollably. Baby Vader looked me straight in the eyes while all this was going on.
Then you know what? He smiled at me, then reached out to wipe my tears with his hands. He knew they were tears, because if he was touching something strange, he would have scrunched up his face, looked at his hands and rubbed his fingers. I was being comforted by my own child, still in many ways, a baby........ I can't even describe the feelings evoked within me then. (He then proceeded to finish all his lunch and fruit shortly after that.... phew!)
Today, as I reflect on this episode, I am still reduced to a puddle of tears and reminded of this clip on "Vulnerability" by Brene Brown. Click here to watch it.
Thank you for making me feel loved, Vader, baby Vader and the little one within!
Here's looking at one of my favourite chinese dishes!
Braised minced pork in chinese five spice:
Recipe courtesy of http://www.kitchenexperiments.net/. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I stumbled upon this food blog recently, and was shocked that this was categorised under "simple cooking", because in my mind, I imagined the cooking to take hours and the recipe to require all sorts of chinese spices I would not know how to buy. It was really simple actually, and the smells emanating from the pot while I was cooking further encouraged me that this was a worthwhile endeavour.
I would readily cook this for Vader, but I'm not sure how he would like it since it's a pork dish and I'm not sure it would go well with other meats.... erm... maybe beef.... no harm trying :)
You know how chefs like Michael Smith from "Chef at Home" advocate cooking without a recipe, and to just let the ingredients come together themselves? Well I could never do that. I don't even know what tastes good with what... so I always cook with a recipe. They are life-savers for fumbling green horns like myself. But Vader is a different story. He can and does cook without recipes I think.... he can tell what ingredients might be needed or are missing from a certain dish even when we're eating out. I've never asked him how he cooks his dishes, because I've always been afraid it'll be too complex for me, or that maybe he wouldn't be able to give me the exact directions that I would need to replicate a certain dish, just because he cooks by approximation.
I'm not envious though, because I've never dreamed I would be cooking in the kitchen one day, even if only for family members. I've always been the one who volunteered to wash the dishes because I like playing with soap suds and hearing the plates squeaky clean! I've always enjoyed being cooked for, haha! I guess, if I don't have a natural flair for something, I've just got to work harder or find ways to achieve at least an acceptable standard. You know what? I think I'm slowly making my way up this mountain! It's not insurmountable la, .......I think... I hope!
p/s I also managed to cook edible rice on the stove without burning the pot this time.
