Everyone's got a public and a private self. The distinction between the two selves varies from person to person. Mine, they're almost two distinct and separate persons. Why? I can't go into too much detail, only to say that I grew up learning that if your closest of kins cannot protect you and in fact will harm you (albeit unconsciously and intentionally), then my only choice was to withdraw and protect myself, to run to a place I could get some peace of mind. However, this didn't prevent me from constantly wondering what I did wrong. So the public self was always agreeable (well, most of the time at least) while the private self doubted everything and rebelled without reason, just because their was always an issue with authority figures.
Wearing this mask for a long time only served to gnaw away at my inner core, my true self. Slowly and gradually, I never wanted to be at home, hiding in my room was no longer good enough a refuge for me. I wanted to stay away, but there was no where I could go or stay for long. I planned to leave the country but didn't know what I could do and even which country I should choose. I just wanted OUT!
Until ........
Vader came along. When we were just learning about each other, he was the most annoying person ever, because he never allowed me to retreat too much into my cave without first talking to him about issues. I could probably write a novel on this, but it wouldn't even sell lar, maybe only Vader would want to read it. hahaha
The process of coming out of my shell carried on after baby Vader was born, it carries on even now and I will need an entire lifetime of learning. I am thankful for the lessons though.
Last Saturday evening, baby Vader refused all his food, because he saw that Vader and I were having burgers and fries. After much screaming on his part, we let him eat some bread and his fruit (of which he only allowed us to feed him half), then he went to sleep with his bottle of milk. The following day, he started his lunch by pushing away his food and my hands and pointed to my lunch of macaroni soup. I gladly scooped out some for him and gingerly cut the macaroni into smaller pieces for him. He ate 3 or 4 pieces, with his soup, then started whining to be carried out of his chair again. He also toppled his bowl of macaroni on the floor! By this time, I was overcome by worry at the meagre amount of food he was getting into his system, so I raised my voice at him, ignored his whining, picked up all the food on the floor and threw the metal bowl into the sink from the dining table (1.5 metres away), making a loud clang as it landed. Then, knowing that he still wanted me to carry him, I pushed his chair away from myself forcefully (but without any harm to him, thankfully!). My instinct right then was to walk away, to run to another room, but I could not, absolutely could not, because he needed me.
I was torn between my need to get away and his needs and wrecked by guilt at having pushed him away. And I was alone with him at home.... That was when I started crying in front of him. I moved closer to him and held his hands. apologising and explaining why I had lost my cool, while the tears flowed uncontrollably. Baby Vader looked me straight in the eyes while all this was going on.
Then you know what? He smiled at me, then reached out to wipe my tears with his hands. He knew they were tears, because if he was touching something strange, he would have scrunched up his face, looked at his hands and rubbed his fingers. I was being comforted by my own child, still in many ways, a baby........ I can't even describe the feelings evoked within me then. (He then proceeded to finish all his lunch and fruit shortly after that.... phew!)
Today, as I reflect on this episode, I am still reduced to a puddle of tears and reminded of this clip on "Vulnerability" by Brene Brown. Click here to watch it.
Thank you for making me feel loved, Vader, baby Vader and the little one within!
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