Countdown to D-DAY

Friday, August 19, 2011

Final faceoff

Well, not really, because a faceoff assumes there are at least two opposing parties willing to engage in a disagreement, a fight, a tussle......

Today's ramblings involves a somewhat sensitive issue, my mom and I. As much as I want to keep from writing about this, I can't, because it's an issue I hold close to my heart. I hope to write about this only once because right now, it seems I've emerged from the 'faceoff' less angry and with new hope.

What I initially intended was a faceoff of sorts, because I was angry and hurt. I wanted to antagonise and wanted things to blow up so that there would be the release I hoped for. Of course we know this type of release is only temporary and eventually leads to more anger and pain. The outcome was not what I planned for but was innately what I desired and I attribute the resolution all to my mom.

It wasn't any particular statement she made. The content of our quarrel was not friendly. The form however, well mostly my mom's, was tired and frustrated, but it betrayed the undertones of love. We had to stop talking because baby Elephant had come running up to us, asking "why?" and Chris was crying for more milk. So off we went our separate ways and the night feed that followed allowed me ample time to mull over the quarrel in its entirety.

I realised then that none of the past hurts mattered anymore, because they happened decades ago. My mom could not even remember certain things she did which hurt me so much. That must be possible only because she never intended to hurt and that she just wasn't herself for those years. Perhaps it was a survival mechanism, acting strong and on the offensive all the time. It is unfortunate that her children had to undergo those experiences with her and often took the brunt of her anger.

 I learnt during the quarrel, that my mom still cared even though she said she gave up long ago. She still comes over every single day to take care of her grandkids and to make sure her daughter is well fed. Even if she thought she didn't care, she's wired to care and to love. Hence the constant nagging to do things better. I used to and maybe still at times, see her nagging as criticism, but have learnt to lighten up and let her have her way most times, because I actually  know her reasons for doing many things.

I am humbled by both the older generation as well as my children. May I continue to maintain this humility and openess to learning from them. May I one day be able to teach or impart some life lessons to my children that they will appreciate too.

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