Unadulterated

As I have already ascertained in my previous post, I am aging rapidly and rabidly. Here's how I would describe my vision and my journey as I age. Things appear in sharper focus but the tunnel seems to get longer and the weight heavier. 

Let me explain. And I am acutely aware that whenever the phrases 'let me explain' or 'I mean' are used, the expression wasn't clear at all in the first place. Here is where I play the poetic licence card. It was meant to be obtuse. But for the sake of my fast ailing mind and fragile sanity, I would like to explain the description in parts, for the benefit of my poor senile future self. 

'Sharper focus' - I (think I) am clearer on my purpose in life and what I want.

'Tunnel' - life's journey

'Longer' - the more I learn, the more I realise I still need to learn (I.e. The more I don't know la!)

'Weight' - responsibilities. Growing impact that my decisions and actions have on my loved ones. This is not to be seen as a chore / burden but a mere fact.

So what things are in sharper focus? I present yet another list. Each of the below qualities or objects, I realise I prefer in their unadulterated form. Not watered down, no ice, no need for frills, no 'shaken not stirred' Hollywood bravado or any shit like that. Not in any order of merit, except maybe for no. 3, which should be no. 1 if there were any order of merit. 

1. Joy. Simple joy, not the joy you buy with money, seated high in some nauseating 1000 storey building restaurant with a $10,000 bottle of champagne. That's not joy. That's merely your drink spiked with a drug called "FOOL". If you understand what I mean by 'simple', then you will understand how the rest of the list carries on in the same vein. 

2. Simplicity.

3. Love. 

4. Honesty and sincerity.

5. Sheer determination.

6. Humour. Not scornful sarcasm.

7. Humility. I think I understand now that this is not (false) modesty or the unwillingness to admit that you're good at something. It's the brokenness of spirit that makes you thoroughly thankful for everything blessing around you. It is not being too shy/proud to receive help but it is receiving help with open arms and a grateful heart! And then celebrating joyfully with the person who helped you:)

It is also offering help to someone who needs it because we have been through that same desperate state. 

It is, when appropriate, admitting to ourselves that we are poor, we are desperate, we are wrong. And yet, we are no less loved. That it is ok to be weak, because we will heal and learn. And if we are never broken, we will never know that we are loved unconditionally. 

8. Chocolate.

No. 8 is not a joke although in comparison, admittedly, it does look like one. I just like chocolate la. Who said must only put qualities? In my explanatory paragraph on the list, I mentioned 'qualities or objects' what... Just being honest in my list :) 

Oh yes, forgot a crucial point. Most of the qualities, except maybe one or two, I really never never possessed, until I saw them being lived out, mostly by my boys (all 3) and other people around me. I am thankful that I am able to learn and now can say that I possess maybe more than 3 or 4 of the qualities + chocolate (bought by Vader).

I think this may be the last post of the year because I will probably forget to write again until next year. Lots of love, lots of hope! 

(I'm so gonna get into trouble for posting the below pic, lol):

Consumed, utterly.

I have been consumed by life. I believe that is a good way to live, not that I voluntarily choose to be busy, not that I even have so much as a choice. 

I lie here, nine months after my previous post, wanting to document all that life has thrown my way and yet there is too much to say. I'll try to be concise and as complete as I can.

1. I am chin deep in work. I am swallowed by the abyss of work for thirteen hours each day.

2. I celebrate on the weekends, where I get to sleep in with the Vader and the kids. And then do absolutely anything with them, or maybe do nothing at all, as long as I'm with them. My heart overflows with joy.

3. I cook or bake with a mad obsession when I can, on weekends. Baby Elephant has taken to requesting for crepes or pancakes at breakfast time on certain days because he knows I can whip up a good batch. I make a giant egg roll, thinking it world make a good mid morning snack for 4 of us- Vader, the 2 boys and myself. The 2 boys wolf it down in less than 10 minutes. It must be the colorful toothpicks I serve them with. I made a pizza and a calzone for the first time and baby Vader likes it. My mom likes it. If my mom likes anything, it must be good. She is the fussiest and most difficult person in the world to please.

4. My workouts have become second nature to me. At least 5 days a week. I don't even think about them anymore. 

5. I have cleaned out my wardrobe and Vader has cleaned up the entire house. I love it and don't actually want to move anymore. Lol.

6. My eating patterns have become constant. I eat salads almost 5 days a week. I have fruit daily. 2 coffees and 1 green tea daily. No sugar. I'm so used to it that anything with even half sugar I don't enjoy anymore. Salt, the less the better. Best if it's home cooked with no salt or just the tiniest pinch.

My days are full and so is my heart. My routines are constant and I am satisfied with the same things day in day out. I am throughly predictable and happy to be so. This means I'm ageing rapidly, rabidly. 

Little lovers

Kids. Little people who will love you no matter what and will teach you most things about love.

Mommy's changed over the years. Changed jobs. Stopped work. Returned to work. Become skinnier so when you lie on me, you feel my bony chest. Have less time for you during the weekdays. Become more resigned to certain things in life, become more feisty about others.

Yet, because of you guys, mommy wears her heart on her sleeve. The way you two do too :) . That moment when I reach the house gate, when I see you guys smiling or running around, my heart leaps with joy!

Daughter

Not. Hah! Misleading title, yes I know.

My memory fails me so I can't recall if I've ever written a post on this, although I have a sneaking suspicion I might have ....

It started when Chris was still in utero and we found out he was a boy. It continues now when we meet people. Oh, all the comments are from ladies, except the last one. Here's a list of comments plus my honest responses that didn't get to see the light of day because I usually try to be polite:

1. "Another boy? Are you disappointed?"

Why would I be? I have a wonderful boy already and having another one would be like having a second special present. Boys are harder to conceive, apparently. My productive system seems to be superior, fortunately for me :)~

2. "You don't want to have a replica of yourself?"

Ermmm... No.... There can only be one of me and I'd like to keep it that way.

3. "Girls are nice to doll up, you know?"

I know, that's why I had more than 30 Barbie dolls growing up. I've since grown out of that habit.

4. "So wasted, you should have a girl cos you're pretty."

I know, and nature would like to ensure that there's only one of me.

5. "You know, attractive people give birth to girls?"

Ok:) it seems I'm the anomaly.

This one's from Vader:
6. "If we had a girl who looked like you, I'm gonna have lots of problems when she grows up."

This is probably the only reason why i might want a girl, because she would make her daddy melt.


The issue I have with comments like these are that they are thoroughly senseless. I have lost a child in utero before and if that didn't teach me that the gender, the looks, or anything about my child mattered more than his/ her health and happiness, I must be a moron. I am not, thankfully.

I still don't understand though, why gender matters so much to people.

There are also more rules or expectations that girls 'should' conform to. I don't conform to many of them. So if I had a daughter, not only would I be a non conformist or viewed as non compliant, I would also be leading her astray, or so it seems.

So leave me be, and I'll continue keeping my comments to myself, ok, to my little part of cyberspace that no one bothers with.

So Far

We have come so far and done so well. Take me further, even though I haven't a clue where we're going.

Yes, kids, most of the time, mommy hasn't the slightest idea where things are headed. But do continue to trust and things will reveal themselves in good time.