From the Middle

 My dear friend,

Once again, I don't know where to begin. So let's begin with the now. Forgive me if the timeline jumps back and forth as we speak.

Right now, I sit at my desk at home as I write this. My office is now at home, because I am now self-employed. It's been a really tough start and am still building my business. It's funny how I decided to leave the corporate world and all its complexities only to take on an entire new world of endless business-building responsibilities and complexities. 

In the past couple of months, as I'm kept awake with worries of not drawing a salary and having to always have enough cashflow to run and build the business, I realise I was never afraid of tough work. The difference is that now, the huge headaches I'm facing are mine. Prior to having a business of my own, I could never just focus on the subject matter at hand. It was always further complicated by what this manager wanted, which was the opposite of another manager's view or timeline or budget or X number of other factors that would block the work from progressing. Or if work could carry on, it would be temporary or a quick patch job just to meet the month's quota. 

I wish I could say I was angry or disillusioned.  But I'm not, I've become boring. Perhaps when I was deeply involved in corporate culture, I was angry and almost sceptical. However, having my own business now, I understand (not fully, but a little more) the different tensions that come with running a business. The bottom line is always critical, otherwise the business drowns. So profit - both current as well as continual profit. However, to ensure continual profit, people need to be kept happy - customers, suppliers, agents, the regulators, etc. Then this means that timing and approaches are important. Timing - too impatient and I get a bad deal, too slow and I miss a good opportunity. Approaches - being too eager, too hesitant, too aggressive, too slow in response could all kill a good deal or sour a good relationship. 

So why, after all this, is having my own headache to deal with still more fulfilling? Well, again, I cannot help but compare it to my own kids. Because it's mine to love, to build, to shed tears and blood and to agonize over. I'm not sure when I can ever say my business is stable, only having started it officially less than 18 months ago. I'm not sure when I can tell my mum that I have enough profit to start taking home some income. I'm not sure when I can stop worrying if I will run this into the ground. But I know that I am committed to see this through. That I will do all I can to make it work. If you believe in prayers my friend, please pray for me daily, hourly even. 

Love,

Yours.

Not yet

Monday... Not yet..

I recall spending the entire weekend with the kids. No Saturday church class and we didn't attend mass as J and I aren't feeling well.... Especially J.

Chris is on the tail end of his viral fever and almost completely healed. Vader is somewhat well but I suspect not fully recovered. 

So we slept in, went out for a late breakfast or brunch. Grocery shopping, then headed home to read. The kids wanted early naps so we slept through lunch time on both Saturday and Sunday. 

We woke up for an early dinner, close to 5.30pm, which seems to work really really well. Then earlier showers and much more time for reading and even some tv! 

Then I realise... That I've lost track of time. I wake up at 1am, feeling wonderful and thinking about what we would doing the following morning with the kids. Then the heart stabbing pain of reality registers and I know I have to be at work in a few hours. I want to kick and cry and scream.

But I turn and look at my kids and I think it's ok. We have time. Not much left, but still time, yes. 

Consumed, utterly.

I have been consumed by life. I believe that is a good way to live, not that I voluntarily choose to be busy, not that I even have so much as a choice. 

I lie here, nine months after my previous post, wanting to document all that life has thrown my way and yet there is too much to say. I'll try to be concise and as complete as I can.

1. I am chin deep in work. I am swallowed by the abyss of work for thirteen hours each day.

2. I celebrate on the weekends, where I get to sleep in with the Vader and the kids. And then do absolutely anything with them, or maybe do nothing at all, as long as I'm with them. My heart overflows with joy.

3. I cook or bake with a mad obsession when I can, on weekends. Baby Elephant has taken to requesting for crepes or pancakes at breakfast time on certain days because he knows I can whip up a good batch. I make a giant egg roll, thinking it world make a good mid morning snack for 4 of us- Vader, the 2 boys and myself. The 2 boys wolf it down in less than 10 minutes. It must be the colorful toothpicks I serve them with. I made a pizza and a calzone for the first time and baby Vader likes it. My mom likes it. If my mom likes anything, it must be good. She is the fussiest and most difficult person in the world to please.

4. My workouts have become second nature to me. At least 5 days a week. I don't even think about them anymore. 

5. I have cleaned out my wardrobe and Vader has cleaned up the entire house. I love it and don't actually want to move anymore. Lol.

6. My eating patterns have become constant. I eat salads almost 5 days a week. I have fruit daily. 2 coffees and 1 green tea daily. No sugar. I'm so used to it that anything with even half sugar I don't enjoy anymore. Salt, the less the better. Best if it's home cooked with no salt or just the tiniest pinch.

My days are full and so is my heart. My routines are constant and I am satisfied with the same things day in day out. I am throughly predictable and happy to be so. This means I'm ageing rapidly, rabidly. 

2012 Resolutions Review

It's time. Let's see how I've fared in my resolutions list.

1. Be more carefree

This is a tough one, but I think I've made a slight improvement. I choose to dwell on positives more and find myself enjoying it.


2. Where it is not possible to be carefree because I'm annoyed, ignore situations completely and zone out :)

Slight improvement. Yes, I've learnt to ignore people and just carry on doing stuff. It helps that I'm usually too busy to bother with annoying stuff for long.


3. Complete the 30 day shred once the DVD arrives

Fully accomplished!


4. Get on the Bodyrocker program

Accomplished, but on both Bodyrock as well as Zuzkalight's workout channel, depending on whether equipment is needed, length and intensity of the workout. It's fun to choose my workouts each day. I workout 5 times a week- mon, wed, thurs, fri and sat.

5. Do more of what I want / enjoy in terms of work

Not much progress here yet. I need to start working by August due to financial constraints and do what I enjoy on the side, perhaps on weekends.


6. Wear heels more often

Nowhere close, haha! Wore heels all of ONE time on a cny visit. But you know what, this one doesn't bother me. Many chances when I start work or when the kids are slightly older and Vader & I get to go out as a couple again.


7. Breastfeed Chris until he's at least a year old (6 months more! Too soon)

On my way there. At the 10 month mark now, 2 more months. I doubt we will stop at 12 months, except with the introduction of cow's milk in the day when I'm at work.


8. Find more hope in my faith

Yes, I'm relieved to say this is on the mend as well. Not so angry at God all the time and blaming him for sticky situations and circumstances I cannot comprehend. Won't go into the details but will say I do have renewed hope and my perspective on difficulty has somewhat shifted. I'm thankful for that.


9. Get more foot massages

Haha! Not achieved. I no longer feel the need for as many foot massages ever since I started working out. My knots have worked themselves out, there is a spring in my step and I wanna hop around instead of sitting down for a massage. I've been using my free time for to sit and read while enjoying my soy decaf latte instead. It really is a pleasure.


10. Play harder with my boys (all three)

To some extent, yes. But I've also grown busier so I forget to play on certain days. This is a good reminder!


11. Smile more, enjoy many many more belly laughs

Some improvement here, even though with my mom traveling and my helper on home leave, I get cranky quite a bit. I've since embraced the time I get to spend at home instead of lamenting about how crazy busy I get. I just have to go with the flow and rest whenever I can. I won't have entire days at home with my kids forever and I need to treasure the time I've been given now.


12. Take a short trip with my three boys

Highly dependent on whether I get a job soon and manage to save up enough for the end of the year. But the other night, I realized that as much as I'd like to travel to far away lands with them, I'll also be perfectly happy if we could only holiday at home. The travel bug in me craves traveling but if we can't afford it, then I won't pine for it. I've got to learn to be happy with living simply and digging deeper into what good family life is.


That's it!

Family time

We don't get much family time these days. I usually spend one on one time with either Baby elephant or Chris while my helper (or Vader on weekends) takes care of the other child.

The boys are still on different schedules; Chris still needing two naps each day for a long while more. They eat at different times so mealtimes are also not family time.

I wanted so much to ask Vader if we could all go out as a family for dinner today, but I know Baby elephant will only wake up at 6pm from his nap and Chris's bedtime is around 7.30pm. That doesn't give us much time to change, travel, order and eat, then travel home again, even if it were at the mall nearby. Even if we could pull it off, it wouldn't be too enjoyable.

I'll need to wait a few more months to see if their schedules slowly shift to allow more time as a family. We'll get there soon!

Update:
Guess what? We went out for dinner as a family today and enjoyed ourselves! We had pizza, even Chris, yes! Baby elephant didn't eat much of it probably because he wasn't used to the thin, hard crust or maybe it was the cheese. Perhaps it was the break in his routine, he's always had all his meals at home or we would bring out his homecooked food. Poor boy. We then went in search of banana yogurt at Coffee Bean but they weren't selling it at the West Coast plaza outlet. Again, poor boy. But we got him ice cream and he was satisfied.

Chris managed to stay awake and was jovial throughout dinner and dessert, only beginning to get grumpy on the ride home.

Vader also kept me guessing about our outing next Saturday. I spent the entire evening guessing and finally got it on the way home. Yippee!! I'll share more after the outing then. Yay!

I love Sunday evenings spent with my three boys.

The Perfect Love Affair

No one knows how perfect and how intense the emotions run between mother and child except for the two of them. How the child yearns for the mother and constantly turns to her for nourishment, comfort and entertainment, and everything else too actually. How the mother starts to yearn for her child the moment she steps out of the house without him. How she hurries when she has errands to run so she can reunite with him sooner. How she wears her heart on her sleeve because of him. How when she hears his cries, her own eyes sting and threaten to well up and often do, when she hears or sees fear or desperation in her child.

Then the child grows and slowly, mother is no longer the sole source of nourishment and comfort. The memories of the time of constant yearning for mother fades into a distant dream. The heart remembers but the mind can no longer cling on to the memories.

The mother grows too. She grows to fulfill other responsibilities. To add more income to the household. To meet the different needs of the child. Her memories fade into a haze as she constantly struggles to meet the present needs.

They both speak with their tongues now, the language of adults, no longer the unspoken understanding they had as mother and infant. Sometimes words get in the way. When the child can't quite yet explain himself fully but wants to. When the mother can't yet help the child to understand her words fully but wants to.

The mother is tempted by the urge to hang on to all things babyish about her child but she must let go. Her growing child reminds her of that everyday. In the quiet recesses of her heart, she mourns the passing of time because her memories are being clawed away.

But it is true, that when something dies, something new and wonderful takes its place. The child still reaches out for his mother, but now with a blossoming personality, with idiosyncrasies that belong only to him and that surprise her everyday. These are the unspoken gifts the child continues to present to his mother.

How does the love affair end?

It never will. It may grow cold or it may continue to blossom. This is how I want mine to continue:

The mother listens and still speaks to her sons with her heart. With every passing heartbeat, her love grows deeper for them. Neither distance nor the passing of time can weaken the bond forged in this perfect love affair between mother and child.

Ground Zero

An acquaintance I once knew used to tell me that he starts every new year at ground zero. He forgets all that he's accomplished, including his promotions at work. He starts out as if he were a new joiner who needs to work from the ground up. No airs, just an open mind and heart and sheer passion for whatever the year has set out for him. Inspiring.

So for 2012, I'm starting at ground zero. Not bothered by unnecessary expectations by both family or by social norms.

You see, even at ground zero, where I pretend I have no money, no room for luxury, no proven talents, nothing.. I've still got three people who love me and who I love in return. I am honestly, extremely proud to say that when I strip my life of all its peripherals, I've still got a strong web of support standing. I know too many people who don't have this and I know I am truly blessed.

1 month gone. 11 left. The clock's ticking away. So much to learn, so much to do! 2012, I've awoken from my slumber, so here I come :)

2012 Resolutions

Here's my list, very crudely:

1. Be more carefree

2. Where it is not possible to be carefree because I'm annoyed, ignore situations completely and zone out :)

3. Complete the 30 day shred once the DVD arrives

4. Get on the Bodyrocker program

5. Do more of what I want / enjoy in terms of work

6. Wear heels more often

7. Breastfeed Chris until he's at least a year old (6 months more! Too soon)

8. Find more hope in my faith

9. Get more foot massages

10. Play harder with my boys (all three)

11. Smile more, enjoy many many more belly laughs

12. Take a short trip with my three boys

All these should make me a happier person at the end of 2012.

Review and enjoy more in 2013.

Flying past

Chris will be six months in 14 days.... I spend at least 22 hours with him, every single day, yet I cannot believe so much time has passed. Times when I need to carry him for the entire length of his nap, I wish time would speed up, but most days, I find that it's already late afternoon or evening and we're headed for the next day too soon.

I suspect babies cast love spells over their mothers, so we carry on in a giddy haze, all smiley and loving while trying to meet their every whim and fancy. We, or at least I, forget the month we're in, the date, the day of the week, sometimes even the year we're in. I no longer watch the clock when nursing him. Doesn't sound logical, because I do time his feeds and naps, but I don't let the time bother me. I have learnt to watch his cues instead. When in doubt, feed again, or feed more often.

A close friend is already feeling nostalgic about pregnancy and childbirth. Her son is only 11 days older than Chris. I share the nostalgia too, but at this moment, my time is up for childbearing. Not because of health reasons, but because our finances are somewhat tight and because we want to enjoy our children and not have to worry about another one. Plus, with two boys, I do feel like we are complete.  I never say never, but for now at least, no more. Still, I do induldge my sentimentality by watching videos of homebirths and vlogs of YT mommies who have three kids and more. Then I turn to look at Chris and images of his birth flash in my mind. I wish I had been more sentimental about the boys' births and taken more pictures or even a video. But I'm not about to have another child for the sake of satisfying my desire to make more memories.

To Vader and I, the boys sure are growing up fast and growing up handsome :), as to whether they're growing up elephants, that's too soon to tell. I will leave it to Vader to define "elephants"....

Tata!

Getting a life (back)!

Four days a week, I don't even step out of the house. I do have my showers every morning and evening and change into day clothes in the mornings and PJs at night to give me some semblance of a life. So I'm tremendously grateful for the other three days that I do get to leave the house.

Once a week, we cart the two boys over to my mom's place. While Chris naps in the afternoon, I run out for a quick session of foot reflexology - my only me time :) But this is enough to keep me going and often finds me all chirpy and ready for mommy duty again!

Sundays, we head out for church. It's really nice to have the whole family together in church, even though I'm carrying Chris the entire time. But Vader carries baby Elephant the entire time and he's much heavier, so I can't complain hahhah

Saturdays, ahhhh Saturdays..... the triple "F" experience! Family, food and fun! In order of priority, yes! We enjoy brunch together and sometimes get a spot of shopping done as well.

At jimmy monkey. Vader tells me the coffee's good!

I wanted to get in with him.... heh!

In the Dread of night

So what do I do when both boys are sleeping at night? I ought to be sleeping, or at least lying beside them trying to rest, so I'll be rested during the day right?

It's a conundrum I go through every night. Should I sleep or get some me time?

What am I doing? Neither resting nor doing something I enjoy. Neither.....

I've just spent the last 30 minutes transferring pictures of Chris from my phone to my laptop, then organising some of the photos...... I've not even begun on baby Elephant's pictures yet...... I dread spending time this way, but it's got to be done someway, somehow. Going through the thousands of pictures I've taken, I realise I've been snapping away with hopeless abandon, totally disregarding the backlash which I'm facing now, but still unwilling to delete any pictures, unless they are a total blur. I admit I hoard pictures, it makes me feel more secure...

Why, hello Baby Brother!!!