From the Middle

 My dear friend,

Once again, I don't know where to begin. So let's begin with the now. Forgive me if the timeline jumps back and forth as we speak.

Right now, I sit at my desk at home as I write this. My office is now at home, because I am now self-employed. It's been a really tough start and am still building my business. It's funny how I decided to leave the corporate world and all its complexities only to take on an entire new world of endless business-building responsibilities and complexities. 

In the past couple of months, as I'm kept awake with worries of not drawing a salary and having to always have enough cashflow to run and build the business, I realise I was never afraid of tough work. The difference is that now, the huge headaches I'm facing are mine. Prior to having a business of my own, I could never just focus on the subject matter at hand. It was always further complicated by what this manager wanted, which was the opposite of another manager's view or timeline or budget or X number of other factors that would block the work from progressing. Or if work could carry on, it would be temporary or a quick patch job just to meet the month's quota. 

I wish I could say I was angry or disillusioned.  But I'm not, I've become boring. Perhaps when I was deeply involved in corporate culture, I was angry and almost sceptical. However, having my own business now, I understand (not fully, but a little more) the different tensions that come with running a business. The bottom line is always critical, otherwise the business drowns. So profit - both current as well as continual profit. However, to ensure continual profit, people need to be kept happy - customers, suppliers, agents, the regulators, etc. Then this means that timing and approaches are important. Timing - too impatient and I get a bad deal, too slow and I miss a good opportunity. Approaches - being too eager, too hesitant, too aggressive, too slow in response could all kill a good deal or sour a good relationship. 

So why, after all this, is having my own headache to deal with still more fulfilling? Well, again, I cannot help but compare it to my own kids. Because it's mine to love, to build, to shed tears and blood and to agonize over. I'm not sure when I can ever say my business is stable, only having started it officially less than 18 months ago. I'm not sure when I can tell my mum that I have enough profit to start taking home some income. I'm not sure when I can stop worrying if I will run this into the ground. But I know that I am committed to see this through. That I will do all I can to make it work. If you believe in prayers my friend, please pray for me daily, hourly even. 

Love,

Yours.

Back in the game

It's been almost a month since I started work. Most days, I work longer than average hours. How do I feel? Good actually! I feel like I'm able to enjoy having both some individual space to myself as well as time with my family. Because I don't work on weekends, I do get a break from work. Because I no longer stay at home the entire day on weekdays, my cabin fever's gone and I look forward to coming home everyday to spend time with the boys. Weekends are also spent on playing and sometimes just watching the boys play or interact with each other.

Am I having my cake and eating it too? Perspective matters, really. Of course I could lament about missing out on their growing during the day, but I choose to enjoy my workday while I'm in the office. When I say I enjoy my work, no I don't mean I spend time gossiping with girlfriends in the pantry or go for long lunches or coffee breaks. I actually work at my desk and relish being a useful member of a productive team. Then at the end of the day, I go home and my kids see that I'm all smiles. What message do I hope to send to the kids? I hope the kids appreciate me as who I am, as I make earnest attempts to stay true to my identity as a mother, a wife, an employee as well as an employer. I hope my kids see the wholeness of playing different roles that life requires of us and which we innately desire as well. Regardless of whether we work, we are all multi-dimensional creatures and I think it benefits our children to see how we manage each role. I believe it benefits them greatly if they can see that we tackle issues head on, coupled with a heart full of hope. I never want to live with what-ifs or with regrets. I detest being held back by fear because it can be very crippling.

I've never considered myself smart or intelligent by any measure, but I hope I can at least pass on the value of working hard or of pushing and stretching ourselves. Hopefully, coupled with inheriting their father's brains, they will be able to achieve a good measure of fulfillment in their lives.

Mommy's back in the game, boys. At least for now. Let's play it well and enjoy it!

Ground Zero

An acquaintance I once knew used to tell me that he starts every new year at ground zero. He forgets all that he's accomplished, including his promotions at work. He starts out as if he were a new joiner who needs to work from the ground up. No airs, just an open mind and heart and sheer passion for whatever the year has set out for him. Inspiring.

So for 2012, I'm starting at ground zero. Not bothered by unnecessary expectations by both family or by social norms.

You see, even at ground zero, where I pretend I have no money, no room for luxury, no proven talents, nothing.. I've still got three people who love me and who I love in return. I am honestly, extremely proud to say that when I strip my life of all its peripherals, I've still got a strong web of support standing. I know too many people who don't have this and I know I am truly blessed.

1 month gone. 11 left. The clock's ticking away. So much to learn, so much to do! 2012, I've awoken from my slumber, so here I come :)

Work as an escape

Baby is due in approximately two weeks and I have no idea why the below is still pending:

1. Window grills to be installed
2. Blinds to be moved
3. New bed for baby Elephant to arrive
4. Electrical sockets to be moved

For each of the above, there is cleaning up due to drilling or some form of dust or dirt caused by the new fixture. I'm beginning to dislike/detest cleaning because my back hurts each time I need to squat to vacuum or sweep or mop. This has become increasingly more difficult to do in the recent weeks because of baby's weight and position. AND...... I only manage to clean once a week!

We've waited for more than a month for the window grill contractor to get back to us and he didn't. We called, smsed, called again and were finally directed to his office to explain what we wanted all over again. They took our window measurements more than a month ago but have now misplaced it and so have to take the measurements again today. They're only doing it today because I insisted. Then there is all the administrative work they have to do before they can give us an installation date.

I seriously couldn't care less about the above preparations because I assumed I would take care of the basics like baby's feeding needs (i.e. my nursing cushion, baby carrier for nursing in public), sleeping arrangement (just need a comfy mattress or two on the floor), my hospital bag list, my meal preparation for after delivery, my post-natal massage arrangements. It doesn't seem like I can get away with just resting and dealing with the stuff I want to deal with, and at such late timing. I dislike the anxiety it triggers because as of now, while I do not know when the grills will get done, I do know that I will have to chase the contractors, be at home to supervise their work and then do the cleaning up after the work is done.

My mind searches for some form of escape and it seems somehow, to land on work. Full time work with reasonable hours that will allow me to:

1. Employ a weekly cleaning service without having to worry about having enough money to pay them
2. End work by 6.30pm at the latest so I get to spend dinner and bedtimes with the children
3. Start saving again instead of depleting my savings
4. Buy toys for the children without having to discuss it with Vader
5. Search for fun classes for the children without having to worry about the price tag they come with
6. Get my mind off home and childcare responsibilities for a few hours a day
7. Stop worrying about Vader's finances and ultimately about money issues that are a common source of tension between couples
8. Have colleagues to lunch with (but the route I'm heading, I think I'll probably not have colleagues for a long time, perhaps forever even)

Apparently, these are all the wrong reasons to want to work full time. There isn't even a hint of being passionate about the work right? Maybe work is not my passion then. Maybe my children are, maybe being at peace with my family situation is more important than having something measureable to pursue. Maybe there are other hobbies I'd like to take up. But then, I wouldn't work at something I hate, I wouldn't choose it, especially if I wanted a long term stable income. I've never seen work as merely a time-passing activity and I resent the suggestion that I would start now, because I know I couldn't sleep well at night if I did a lack-lustre job. If I am at work, then I give my all to it (of course, this leads to other frustrations, but that's another story for another day) and I don't see this changing anytime soon. Yes, I dislike being in management because I actually enjoy the day to day operations in the system. To be asked to aspire to greater things than I am currently emotionally unprepared for brings me back to my childhood days which I hated and beg to be rid off as much as possible.  Just because I can perform well and probably can do greater things doesn't mean I would be happy to. I know one day, I will move on to bigger things, and I will be happy to do so then, but not now.

After working on my business for close to half a year and staying at home for close to year, I find myself still not at peace with these decisions. Part of my frustration stems from the fact that while I am not tied to any work schedules and so can spend more time at home, I don't get to see baby Elephant much more than when I was working long hours.

In this fed up state that I am in, these are some hard facts I've concocted (yes, the irony.... don't judge me):

1. A mother like me can never stop worrying about her kids
2. I need a predictable, stable income
3. Money will not be an issue between couples if they didn't need to rely on their spouses
4. Only a mother will understand why the house needs to be VERY clean (actually because baby Elephant notices when the floor is slightly dirtier and because he plays on it all the time and constantly picks up some piece of dirt or grain of sand - thankfully I've always been around and so he passes it to me instead of putting it into his mouth)*

*Wait! He did pick up a grain of crushed pepper once and put it into his mouth and then started wailing when he tasted it. That was the only week I didn't vacuum or sweep like a lunatic because I thought I should learn to cut myself some slack and give myself fewer anxiety attacks. I never forgave myself after that and have NEVER dared to allow the floor to get dirty again. But every week, it's a constant uphill battle. I clean, and the moment Vader comes home, his shoes bring in the dirt to about a quarter of the living room. I do a clean sweep the next morning while trying to entertain baby Elephant and keeping him away from the dirt. Then over the weekend (when baby Vader is with us all day), I constantly try to sweep the dirt away again. I've accepted that maybe I need to keep the floor clean because the issue of cleanliness for baby Elephant is important only to me. If I relaxed, I wouldn't be happy. If I kicked up a fuss, I would still be the one cleaning, plus this would make everyone unhappy.

I want to be able to say this - I am tired from work! Cut me some slack!  I just want to spend time with my children and not worry about cleaning on a weekly/daily basis (I don't mind cleaning up after meals and baths la). I want to buy this or that toy now! We can start baby Elephant's swimming classes this month and I'll pay for it, don't worry. I'm just gonna cab everywhere because even after saving half my salary, I can bloody well afford it. You like this house? Let's view it because I can pay the cash downpayment straight up. I'm at work the whole week, I actually miss sweeping the floor once a month or putting the clothes to wash and folding them up neatly! What would YOU like to have for dinner? Let me pay for it. Here's a present for you. You don't like it? What would you like? Choose and I'll buy it.

But I can't. So I'll bite my tongue and wait out this period of frustration. Let it pass soon, please.