Viral Fever

 I'm just back to work today, after 3 full days of what the doctor calls viral fever.

Fever that goes away after meds, but then creeps back in again. Not the ultra high temperatures of the low grade one accompanied by headaches, entire body aches, dizziness and the ability to make me feel guilty for getting sick.

I'm not eager to return to work, but I have to. I have bills to pay, retirement and children's education to save up for. The calculations tell me that I have to work until 55 at the very least, 8 years more. But if I want more security, I should work until 57 or 59, or at least transition to work that has lower commitment, but would still pay for living expenses. I have started dreaming about transitioning, yes the dreaming starts now, at least I have a goal or a timeline to work towards. I tell myself that the years fly by, and yes they do, but when i'm in the meetings that achieve little, when some of my days stretch from 8.45am to midnight, each second feels like forever.

I hope for my 2 little elephants (not too little now 😃), that they will explore and find work or multiple areas where they can work that doesn't drain them, but that sustains them and where they can allow God to work through them to reach others.

As for me, yes my work is also to share the good news in the corporate world where I work. I know that I truly can do nothing without Him, and even more so when I feel the situations I face are beyond my control. So I ask for his love and his wisdom to guide me, so that in all moments, the Holy Spirit will work through me. That when the arrows fly at me, he is my shield and my comfort and healer.

I recall 5 years ago, when I was in the same company I'm in now. When I was so lost I would sit in the dark and cry silently, not knowing why and without control. Maybe I'm not as strong as what's required of me to perform my role. So God be my strength now. The instinct to run is strong, but maybe I cling on to Him and keep showing up each day. Maybe in 3 months, I'll have a better grasp of things, or I'll have a better view on my work direction.

I'll take it one day at a time.

It's a Thursday today.

It's Friday tomorrow.

Life as it is

 The boys have grown and are now teenagers. It’s a new space for us as a family - both the boys learning more about themselves and us as parents learning how to love them and provide the protection and guidance they need.

I can’t say everyday is rosy, but through the ups and downs over the years, I see the beauty of my children and hubby. Maybe I’ll explain in more detail in another post, when I manage to gather my thoughts into words.

I’m well along in years now, just a few years shy of the big 50. I can’t say I feel very different, but I do feel tired. Weary of life, but with the knowledge that I will somehow be able to manage it. I take it one day at a time and finish each week off, grateful for the weekends to rest. I allow myself the grace of not working over the weekend to make up for things yet undone at work, even though I know that completing things gives me more peace of mind. But from experience, this peace never lasts, because the next backlog list is hot on my heels. So I learn to sit with the discomfort and try to be at peace with it.

This morning, I had a random thought. What if… what if I’m already in retirement? I get to watch my children grow up each day, I get to spend time with them each evening(even if only for a couple of hours on weekdays), I spend weekends leisurely, I get to serve in church in a ministry I love, I get to work in a corporate setting where my main role is to coordinate and follow up on a few teams to deliver projects. I gym with a group of wonderful people. I meet up with friends every few weeks. 

Perhaps this is the life I’ve wanted, and if I don’t take myself too seriously, then maybe this is already semi-retirement.