My sunday school teacher used to tell us that God loves us (His creations) as if we were his only child(ren), despite the world being made up of billions of people. It was one of those teachings that intrigued me, because it made me feel special, and yet I never found myself fully convinced, because it seemed impossible. It was like the concept of Santa Claus. You find it impossible to believe one man could deliver all the Christmas presents in the world in just one night, but you want to believe in him anyway, just because his existence makes us feel special and desired. As I grew into an adult, the cynicism that creeped in persuaded me that this teaching might just be a feel good tactic aimed at keeping me faithful and obedient.
I'm glad to say reality has bitten cynicism in the ass. As I was talking to Chris yesterday, I caught myself unawares as I told him I loved him as if he were my only child. Several instances, when I'm spending one on one time with baby Elephant, I feel as if he were my only child. Not that I forget one when I'm with the other, but it's as if I'm drawn into their world and am consumed by their presence, their needs, likes and dislikes at that moment.
A dear friend asked me, if having two kids resulted in my love being divided, because in terms of time spent with each one, it certainly feels that way, to all parties involved. However, the intensity and the quality of the emotions are multiplied somewhat. I cannot explain how this is even possible, but it is.
To baby Elephant, I love you as if you were my only child and you are more than good enough for me.
To Chris, you may have arrived second, but I love you as if you were my only child, and you are more than enough for me.
'Nuff said.
So what do I do when both boys are sleeping at night? I ought to be sleeping, or at least lying beside them trying to rest, so I'll be rested during the day right?
It's a conundrum I go through every night. Should I sleep or get some me time?
What am I doing? Neither resting nor doing something I enjoy. Neither.....
I've just spent the last 30 minutes transferring pictures of Chris from my phone to my laptop, then organising some of the photos...... I've not even begun on baby Elephant's pictures yet...... I dread spending time this way, but it's got to be done someway, somehow. Going through the thousands of pictures I've taken, I realise I've been snapping away with hopeless abandon, totally disregarding the backlash which I'm facing now, but still unwilling to delete any pictures, unless they are a total blur. I admit I hoard pictures, it makes me feel more secure...
Why, hello Baby Brother!!!
Two different faces, two different moods. The time difference, half an hour - a feed.
I haven't been able to capture his full smiles on camera yet, because they are "expensive" and fleeting the moment they appear. They catch you unawares, and you wonder what it was you did to make him smile. You try to replicate it but it doesn't work. This boy has a mind of his own, it's pretty obvious. But you know what? I'm happy that his eyes follow mommy around most of the time. He smiles quite alot for me and it makes the endless night feeds and the constant carrying and patting/rocking gently all worth it. My arms ache, my back is stiff and my neck is slightly sore. I need more rest, but in the larger scheme of things, and seeing how quickly baby Elephant grew up, I relish time with Chris even more. Already, he is eight weeks old and fast approaching the two month mark. Where did my newborn go?
He was dumped on my chest straight after birth. It was a magical feeling. Babies aren't exactly cute when they're just out, but there isn't a greater feeling than to hold and kiss your little one still slimy and bloody. I guess that's just me.
He's arrived, our second bundle of joy. Christopher. I'm now living in the haze of getting used to him and helping baby Elephant get settled too. So is hubby. It's a whirl of emotions. Joy at Chris's arrival and being able to hold him in my arms. Anxiety because of baby Elephant having to cope with so changes at the same time - new baby in the family, being at home during the day instead of at grandma's, mommy not being able to give him all her attention like she used to.....
Well, baby Elephant's actually surprised me in more ways than one, in his wanting to pat and carry Chris, to give him toys to soothe him when he's wailing, calling me when Chris makes even the tiniest sound so I can take care of Chris. Again, what makes my heart ache is seeing him so loving, and yet at certain times, I see him a little forlorn and lost in his own thoughts. When I'm trying to feed Chris, I see him look up at whatever activity he's in the middle of and look at us, as if he were a little confused and almost as if he longed for the times hen he was the only child.
I laugh, I cry, I struggle with the new situation. Hormones, exhaustion, frustrations.... yet joy pervades. Whatever it is, we are complete :)
p.s. Chris doesn't have a nickname on this blog because the nicknames we used for him haven't yet stuck. Right now, he's all mine and he's known as mommy's sweetheart (I used this for baby Elephant too. Yes, I'm unoriginal but I like what I like :)) Pictures are coming soon, they're on my phone.
