From the Middle

 My dear friend,

Once again, I don't know where to begin. So let's begin with the now. Forgive me if the timeline jumps back and forth as we speak.

Right now, I sit at my desk at home as I write this. My office is now at home, because I am now self-employed. It's been a really tough start and am still building my business. It's funny how I decided to leave the corporate world and all its complexities only to take on an entire new world of endless business-building responsibilities and complexities. 

In the past couple of months, as I'm kept awake with worries of not drawing a salary and having to always have enough cashflow to run and build the business, I realise I was never afraid of tough work. The difference is that now, the huge headaches I'm facing are mine. Prior to having a business of my own, I could never just focus on the subject matter at hand. It was always further complicated by what this manager wanted, which was the opposite of another manager's view or timeline or budget or X number of other factors that would block the work from progressing. Or if work could carry on, it would be temporary or a quick patch job just to meet the month's quota. 

I wish I could say I was angry or disillusioned.  But I'm not, I've become boring. Perhaps when I was deeply involved in corporate culture, I was angry and almost sceptical. However, having my own business now, I understand (not fully, but a little more) the different tensions that come with running a business. The bottom line is always critical, otherwise the business drowns. So profit - both current as well as continual profit. However, to ensure continual profit, people need to be kept happy - customers, suppliers, agents, the regulators, etc. Then this means that timing and approaches are important. Timing - too impatient and I get a bad deal, too slow and I miss a good opportunity. Approaches - being too eager, too hesitant, too aggressive, too slow in response could all kill a good deal or sour a good relationship. 

So why, after all this, is having my own headache to deal with still more fulfilling? Well, again, I cannot help but compare it to my own kids. Because it's mine to love, to build, to shed tears and blood and to agonize over. I'm not sure when I can ever say my business is stable, only having started it officially less than 18 months ago. I'm not sure when I can tell my mum that I have enough profit to start taking home some income. I'm not sure when I can stop worrying if I will run this into the ground. But I know that I am committed to see this through. That I will do all I can to make it work. If you believe in prayers my friend, please pray for me daily, hourly even. 

Love,

Yours.

8 Years

It's been sometime, my good friend. 8 years.

I would like to say that life got in the way and I just lacked the time. But that's not the case. 

The truth is that I have made time for a whole lot of other things and have sidelined my letters to you. No excuses. But I never committed to writing for the sake of writing. I think it got to a point when I started doing that, and it reached a point of burnout.

I never forgot about you. I just had nothing to say, literally. I was tired of narrating my activities or my throughts which just always came back to the same things - family, spouse, fitness. I was worded out and didn't feel there was any value rehashing what I thought about because I had already said it before. You already know me.

That is, until I realised that you didn't, not fully. Because I change, I grow and when I start to sense that life is predictable, I tend to switch things up, perhaps sometimes overthrow the beliefs I once held on to so tightly.

No disaster has taken place, don't worry. My family is still intact and we have grown together. 

I won't make this a long rambling post, just wanted to check in with you, to let you know that I still hold you very dearly in my heart. I've just become less chatty, not neccessarily less joyful. I hope you understand that.

I hope to continue my letters again. Letters to no one in particular. Letters just to help me make sense of things again. These days, I'm often told what I should be thinking and how I should be living life to make it successful. Alot of it is good advice. However, I guess my writing these letters frees me from having to conform all the time. In my letters to you, I'm not expected to share about any topics, make any decisions or act on anything. So they won't be prettily worded or edited. I don't have drafts waiting to be published, I'll just open up the app and start writing. No schedule, not focused themes, no advice to impart. 

I actually have loads to share, my friend. I don't dare share it on platforms where I hope people will read, because they will judge me. Hopefully I will share it in my letters here. 

Signing off,
Your old friend

The house with the Lego

After visiting a few houses over the Chinese New Year holidays, I asked J:

Me: Did you enjoy going to different houses to play? 

J: yes! 

Me: Which one did you like?

J: the one with the Lego 😀

Me: of course! Good choice!

I hope my children never lose sight of the truly important things in life. Never get way laid by materials that impress the eyes. Only be surrounded by people who truly love and who are filled with love.

Mundane

The ordinary, seemingly boring things that we do day after day. The mundane.

In my teens and twenties, I would scoff at   writing and thinking about them. Who would be interested in reading about them. Why would anyone bother?

Well in my thirties now, the mundane things that my children and husband do are what I want never to end. Watching them sleeping peacefully, having them clambour onto me in the morning, the boys singing loudly together in the shower, goofily laughing at silly things, Chris running up to me with his mouth full of his Nutella sandwich, J dressed up in his self-designed superhero costume.. J eating his apple and looking like a chipmunk.. My hubby.. Everything he does is strange and hilarious! His constant Garfield-like demeanor poses a stark contrast to his quickstep, lightning speed actions when he is actually in motion. Until he settles back into a chair again, that is! His clumsiness, his pockets jingling and jangling when he walks due to his mints and coins and keys. His kangaroo pouch that never disappears even when he's lost some weight. His awkwardness in expressing his love, yet how proud he is of himself when he does manage to express himself😀 - childlike behavior that beats a suave guy anytime.

Who would be interested in reading about these mundane descriptions? It doesn't matter. In fact, the less people know, the more precious these memories are. They are memories only my little family will be able to appreciate fully because we are what make them. 

Not yet

Monday... Not yet..

I recall spending the entire weekend with the kids. No Saturday church class and we didn't attend mass as J and I aren't feeling well.... Especially J.

Chris is on the tail end of his viral fever and almost completely healed. Vader is somewhat well but I suspect not fully recovered. 

So we slept in, went out for a late breakfast or brunch. Grocery shopping, then headed home to read. The kids wanted early naps so we slept through lunch time on both Saturday and Sunday. 

We woke up for an early dinner, close to 5.30pm, which seems to work really really well. Then earlier showers and much more time for reading and even some tv! 

Then I realise... That I've lost track of time. I wake up at 1am, feeling wonderful and thinking about what we would doing the following morning with the kids. Then the heart stabbing pain of reality registers and I know I have to be at work in a few hours. I want to kick and cry and scream.

But I turn and look at my kids and I think it's ok. We have time. Not much left, but still time, yes. 

Wool

Pulled over my eyes 

In limbo, yet more settled

Nomadic, yet grounded

Distant, but more attached

Ageing, still sprouting

Fewer words, yet growing in understanding

Speeding forward, yet seeing in slow motion

My hand releases, my heart envelopes

My exterior, my inner self

My rock

My cushions

My parts and my whole.

My present and my future.

Overwhelmed, yet never tiring of it.

Unadulterated

As I have already ascertained in my previous post, I am aging rapidly and rabidly. Here's how I would describe my vision and my journey as I age. Things appear in sharper focus but the tunnel seems to get longer and the weight heavier. 

Let me explain. And I am acutely aware that whenever the phrases 'let me explain' or 'I mean' are used, the expression wasn't clear at all in the first place. Here is where I play the poetic licence card. It was meant to be obtuse. But for the sake of my fast ailing mind and fragile sanity, I would like to explain the description in parts, for the benefit of my poor senile future self. 

'Sharper focus' - I (think I) am clearer on my purpose in life and what I want.

'Tunnel' - life's journey

'Longer' - the more I learn, the more I realise I still need to learn (I.e. The more I don't know la!)

'Weight' - responsibilities. Growing impact that my decisions and actions have on my loved ones. This is not to be seen as a chore / burden but a mere fact.

So what things are in sharper focus? I present yet another list. Each of the below qualities or objects, I realise I prefer in their unadulterated form. Not watered down, no ice, no need for frills, no 'shaken not stirred' Hollywood bravado or any shit like that. Not in any order of merit, except maybe for no. 3, which should be no. 1 if there were any order of merit. 

1. Joy. Simple joy, not the joy you buy with money, seated high in some nauseating 1000 storey building restaurant with a $10,000 bottle of champagne. That's not joy. That's merely your drink spiked with a drug called "FOOL". If you understand what I mean by 'simple', then you will understand how the rest of the list carries on in the same vein. 

2. Simplicity.

3. Love. 

4. Honesty and sincerity.

5. Sheer determination.

6. Humour. Not scornful sarcasm.

7. Humility. I think I understand now that this is not (false) modesty or the unwillingness to admit that you're good at something. It's the brokenness of spirit that makes you thoroughly thankful for everything blessing around you. It is not being too shy/proud to receive help but it is receiving help with open arms and a grateful heart! And then celebrating joyfully with the person who helped you:)

It is also offering help to someone who needs it because we have been through that same desperate state. 

It is, when appropriate, admitting to ourselves that we are poor, we are desperate, we are wrong. And yet, we are no less loved. That it is ok to be weak, because we will heal and learn. And if we are never broken, we will never know that we are loved unconditionally. 

8. Chocolate.

No. 8 is not a joke although in comparison, admittedly, it does look like one. I just like chocolate la. Who said must only put qualities? In my explanatory paragraph on the list, I mentioned 'qualities or objects' what... Just being honest in my list :) 

Oh yes, forgot a crucial point. Most of the qualities, except maybe one or two, I really never never possessed, until I saw them being lived out, mostly by my boys (all 3) and other people around me. I am thankful that I am able to learn and now can say that I possess maybe more than 3 or 4 of the qualities + chocolate (bought by Vader).

I think this may be the last post of the year because I will probably forget to write again until next year. Lots of love, lots of hope! 

(I'm so gonna get into trouble for posting the below pic, lol):