Two different faces, two different moods. The time difference, half an hour - a feed.
I haven't been able to capture his full smiles on camera yet, because they are "expensive" and fleeting the moment they appear. They catch you unawares, and you wonder what it was you did to make him smile. You try to replicate it but it doesn't work. This boy has a mind of his own, it's pretty obvious. But you know what? I'm happy that his eyes follow mommy around most of the time. He smiles quite alot for me and it makes the endless night feeds and the constant carrying and patting/rocking gently all worth it. My arms ache, my back is stiff and my neck is slightly sore. I need more rest, but in the larger scheme of things, and seeing how quickly baby Elephant grew up, I relish time with Chris even more. Already, he is eight weeks old and fast approaching the two month mark. Where did my newborn go?
He was dumped on my chest straight after birth. It was a magical feeling. Babies aren't exactly cute when they're just out, but there isn't a greater feeling than to hold and kiss your little one still slimy and bloody. I guess that's just me.
Well, not really, because a faceoff assumes there are at least two opposing parties willing to engage in a disagreement, a fight, a tussle......
Today's ramblings involves a somewhat sensitive issue, my mom and I. As much as I want to keep from writing about this, I can't, because it's an issue I hold close to my heart. I hope to write about this only once because right now, it seems I've emerged from the 'faceoff' less angry and with new hope.
What I initially intended was a faceoff of sorts, because I was angry and hurt. I wanted to antagonise and wanted things to blow up so that there would be the release I hoped for. Of course we know this type of release is only temporary and eventually leads to more anger and pain. The outcome was not what I planned for but was innately what I desired and I attribute the resolution all to my mom.
It wasn't any particular statement she made. The content of our quarrel was not friendly. The form however, well mostly my mom's, was tired and frustrated, but it betrayed the undertones of love. We had to stop talking because baby Elephant had come running up to us, asking "why?" and Chris was crying for more milk. So off we went our separate ways and the night feed that followed allowed me ample time to mull over the quarrel in its entirety.
I realised then that none of the past hurts mattered anymore, because they happened decades ago. My mom could not even remember certain things she did which hurt me so much. That must be possible only because she never intended to hurt and that she just wasn't herself for those years. Perhaps it was a survival mechanism, acting strong and on the offensive all the time. It is unfortunate that her children had to undergo those experiences with her and often took the brunt of her anger.
I learnt during the quarrel, that my mom still cared even though she said she gave up long ago. She still comes over every single day to take care of her grandkids and to make sure her daughter is well fed. Even if she thought she didn't care, she's wired to care and to love. Hence the constant nagging to do things better. I used to and maybe still at times, see her nagging as criticism, but have learnt to lighten up and let her have her way most times, because I actually know her reasons for doing many things.
I am humbled by both the older generation as well as my children. May I continue to maintain this humility and openess to learning from them. May I one day be able to teach or impart some life lessons to my children that they will appreciate too.
