I think I love my son a little bit more

Recently, I read this article:

http://blogs.babble.com/being-pregnant/2011/03/15/mom-confession-i-think-i-love-my-son-a-little-bit-more/

It made me reflect on my own family situation. I've always readily admitted to Vader that I'm all human and am in no way perfect. So I fully expect myself to have a favorite, or at least practice some favoritism.

I expect that if I have a favorite, that it would be obvious to me. The thing is, it's not. I try to complete this sentence in my head: I have a favorite and he is _________. For the life of me, for the longest time, I cannot fill in the blank! Not because I'm trying to be impartial and not have a favorite. Not because I do not or cannot bring myself to admit that there is a favorite. Definitely not because I'm apathetic towards my two boys. So what is it? I don't know!

I ask Vader if I show any favoritism. I can't expect him to know if I actually do have one, only if I show any signs of it. He says sometimes I seem to give Chris more attention, but that it's barely noticeable, and that it's probably because I am the only one taking care of him. So maybe, maybe it's Chris. But that doesn't explain why I love spending time with baby elephant and when i'm with Chris while he's asleep, I listen to what baby elephant is doing and catch myself looking at his pictures so often. It doesn't explain why sometimes when baby elephant is acting up, that I feel so sad for him and want to cuddle him instead of reprimanding him. No, it doesn't explain why when his other caregivers are so ready to scold him for being rough with Chris, that I feel I need to protect him or stand up for him.

So it could be baby elephant after all!

Then I look at Chris and I am consumed by his babyness. When he looks up at me in the morning and smiles, everything around me literally fades away and I am enraptured by his gaze.

I'm not getting any answers here. Grrrrr.....

You know what happens then? I stop chasing my tail for a moment and I realize I am truly spoilt for choice. Maybe my favorite choice changes from day to day, maybe I flit from one to the other in some unexplained, random manner. Maybe there is no favorite then. Maybe both are and I could never choose.

Then there is always Vader in the background (he's not gonna like this image of him in the background, haha). My silent, sturdy support. He's very arrogantly told me before, "remember that your sons will leave you. Remember who will be with you for the rest of your life".

Maybe I don't get to choose a favorite. Maybe my favorite will choose me!