Countdown to D-DAY

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

From the Middle

 My dear friend,

Once again, I don't know where to begin. So let's begin with the now. Forgive me if the timeline jumps back and forth as we speak.

Right now, I sit at my desk at home as I write this. My office is now at home, because I am now self-employed. It's been a really tough start and am still building my business. It's funny how I decided to leave the corporate world and all its complexities only to take on an entire new world of endless business-building responsibilities and complexities. 

In the past couple of months, as I'm kept awake with worries of not drawing a salary and having to always have enough cashflow to run and build the business, I realise I was never afraid of tough work. The difference is that now, the huge headaches I'm facing are mine. Prior to having a business of my own, I could never just focus on the subject matter at hand. It was always further complicated by what this manager wanted, which was the opposite of another manager's view or timeline or budget or X number of other factors that would block the work from progressing. Or if work could carry on, it would be temporary or a quick patch job just to meet the month's quota. 

I wish I could say I was angry or disillusioned.  But I'm not, I've become boring. Perhaps when I was deeply involved in corporate culture, I was angry and almost sceptical. However, having my own business now, I understand (not fully, but a little more) the different tensions that come with running a business. The bottom line is always critical, otherwise the business drowns. So profit - both current as well as continual profit. However, to ensure continual profit, people need to be kept happy - customers, suppliers, agents, the regulators, etc. Then this means that timing and approaches are important. Timing - too impatient and I get a bad deal, too slow and I miss a good opportunity. Approaches - being too eager, too hesitant, too aggressive, too slow in response could all kill a good deal or sour a good relationship. 

So why, after all this, is having my own headache to deal with still more fulfilling? Well, again, I cannot help but compare it to my own kids. Because it's mine to love, to build, to shed tears and blood and to agonize over. I'm not sure when I can ever say my business is stable, only having started it officially less than 18 months ago. I'm not sure when I can tell my mum that I have enough profit to start taking home some income. I'm not sure when I can stop worrying if I will run this into the ground. But I know that I am committed to see this through. That I will do all I can to make it work. If you believe in prayers my friend, please pray for me daily, hourly even. 

Love,

Yours.



Saturday, May 27, 2023

8 Years

It's been sometime, my good friend. 8 years.

I would like to say that life got in the way and I just lacked the time. But that's not the case. 

The truth is that I have made time for a whole lot of other things and have sidelined my letters to you. No excuses. But I never committed to writing for the sake of writing. I think it got to a point when I started doing that, and it reached a point of burnout.

I never forgot about you. I just had nothing to say, literally. I was tired of narrating my activities or my throughts which just always came back to the same things - family, spouse, fitness. I was worded out and didn't feel there was any value rehashing what I thought about because I had already said it before. You already know me.

That is, until I realised that you didn't, not fully. Because I change, I grow and when I start to sense that life is predictable, I tend to switch things up, perhaps sometimes overthrow the beliefs I once held on to so tightly.

No disaster has taken place, don't worry. My family is still intact and we have grown together. 

I won't make this a long rambling post, just wanted to check in with you, to let you know that I still hold you very dearly in my heart. I've just become less chatty, not neccessarily less joyful. I hope you understand that.

I hope to continue my letters again. Letters to no one in particular. Letters just to help me make sense of things again. These days, I'm often told what I should be thinking and how I should be living life to make it successful. Alot of it is good advice. However, I guess my writing these letters frees me from having to conform all the time. In my letters to you, I'm not expected to share about any topics, make any decisions or act on anything. So they won't be prettily worded or edited. I don't have drafts waiting to be published, I'll just open up the app and start writing. No schedule, not focused themes, no advice to impart. 

I actually have loads to share, my friend. I don't dare share it on platforms where I hope people will read, because they will judge me. Hopefully I will share it in my letters here. 

Signing off,
Your old friend