Excuse me, are you a model?

Not boasting. Just my honest opinion. Not saying baby elephant is better looking than other children, although as a mother, I do possess the liberty to be partial.

Some of us work at it and fail badly.

Some of us work at it and do a little better.

Some are just born this way.

Photogenic, that is. Some models look pretty ordinary in person, but when they're captured in pictures, Bam! They blow you away. Some just don't have to try.

It's easy to photograph baby elephant because he is photogenic. (Except when he is told to pose or smile... )

I think I love my son a little bit more

Recently, I read this article:

http://blogs.babble.com/being-pregnant/2011/03/15/mom-confession-i-think-i-love-my-son-a-little-bit-more/

It made me reflect on my own family situation. I've always readily admitted to Vader that I'm all human and am in no way perfect. So I fully expect myself to have a favorite, or at least practice some favoritism.

I expect that if I have a favorite, that it would be obvious to me. The thing is, it's not. I try to complete this sentence in my head: I have a favorite and he is _________. For the life of me, for the longest time, I cannot fill in the blank! Not because I'm trying to be impartial and not have a favorite. Not because I do not or cannot bring myself to admit that there is a favorite. Definitely not because I'm apathetic towards my two boys. So what is it? I don't know!

I ask Vader if I show any favoritism. I can't expect him to know if I actually do have one, only if I show any signs of it. He says sometimes I seem to give Chris more attention, but that it's barely noticeable, and that it's probably because I am the only one taking care of him. So maybe, maybe it's Chris. But that doesn't explain why I love spending time with baby elephant and when i'm with Chris while he's asleep, I listen to what baby elephant is doing and catch myself looking at his pictures so often. It doesn't explain why sometimes when baby elephant is acting up, that I feel so sad for him and want to cuddle him instead of reprimanding him. No, it doesn't explain why when his other caregivers are so ready to scold him for being rough with Chris, that I feel I need to protect him or stand up for him.

So it could be baby elephant after all!

Then I look at Chris and I am consumed by his babyness. When he looks up at me in the morning and smiles, everything around me literally fades away and I am enraptured by his gaze.

I'm not getting any answers here. Grrrrr.....

You know what happens then? I stop chasing my tail for a moment and I realize I am truly spoilt for choice. Maybe my favorite choice changes from day to day, maybe I flit from one to the other in some unexplained, random manner. Maybe there is no favorite then. Maybe both are and I could never choose.

Then there is always Vader in the background (he's not gonna like this image of him in the background, haha). My silent, sturdy support. He's very arrogantly told me before, "remember that your sons will leave you. Remember who will be with you for the rest of your life".

Maybe I don't get to choose a favorite. Maybe my favorite will choose me!

Phantom photographer

These photos appeared in my phone this morning. I didn't take them. But I do love them.

Thank you, my phantom photographer!

Dum Ditty Dum Ditty Dum Dum Dum

This is a line from a Dr Seuss book which baby Elephant is quite fond of. He sings "dum ditty dum ditty dum dum dum, hand in hand all monkeys come". He holds Chris's hand as he sings this.

Yesterday, I saw him crouching down to talk to Chris n stroking his arm gently. Chris was struggling to get up on all fours and baby elephant was encouraging him.

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Fear, confusion and jealousy slowly giving way to encouragement, understanding and hopefully empathy and love. Sure, the negatives still exist, but I think baby elephant is gradually beginning to realize that Chris isn't here to take mommy and daddy away. I think he's beginning to see that we operate as a family unit. And! A very big And here, that, he has a partner. He is no longer the only 'small person' around. He's beginning to use phrases like "next time, eat together (with Chris)", "play with Chris". He also offers Chris his food or snacks when he sees Chris eyeballing the food. We've had to explain that Chris can't eat just yet.

We recently had a staycation at the Crowne Plaza Changi hotel. Baby elephant would run up to talk to Chris whenever Chris was hollering for mommy. When Chris started his pig grunts at 6am, baby Elephant woke up but didn't complain. He merely played with his frog to soothe himself back to sleep.

When both boys were asleep in the hotel room, I would turn to my right and watch baby elephant sleeping, then look down to see Chris snoring away on my chest. I realized that we were coming together quite nicely as a family. (Vader was showering, enjoying the brilliant rain shower!)

Six months is not a long time to see progress, but when parents are faced with the rawness of a new and difficult situation, it almost seems like it will never get better. After all the worrying and uncertainty, I see that the efforts are well worth it.

After all, what's better than watching a child grow up? Watching two children grow up together, that's what!

Good things come in threes

That's what they say 

Here are my threes!!

And just coz I think it's quite an achievement to be able to carry both boys!

Oh I love my three boys!!

Flying past

Chris will be six months in 14 days.... I spend at least 22 hours with him, every single day, yet I cannot believe so much time has passed. Times when I need to carry him for the entire length of his nap, I wish time would speed up, but most days, I find that it's already late afternoon or evening and we're headed for the next day too soon.

I suspect babies cast love spells over their mothers, so we carry on in a giddy haze, all smiley and loving while trying to meet their every whim and fancy. We, or at least I, forget the month we're in, the date, the day of the week, sometimes even the year we're in. I no longer watch the clock when nursing him. Doesn't sound logical, because I do time his feeds and naps, but I don't let the time bother me. I have learnt to watch his cues instead. When in doubt, feed again, or feed more often.

A close friend is already feeling nostalgic about pregnancy and childbirth. Her son is only 11 days older than Chris. I share the nostalgia too, but at this moment, my time is up for childbearing. Not because of health reasons, but because our finances are somewhat tight and because we want to enjoy our children and not have to worry about another one. Plus, with two boys, I do feel like we are complete.  I never say never, but for now at least, no more. Still, I do induldge my sentimentality by watching videos of homebirths and vlogs of YT mommies who have three kids and more. Then I turn to look at Chris and images of his birth flash in my mind. I wish I had been more sentimental about the boys' births and taken more pictures or even a video. But I'm not about to have another child for the sake of satisfying my desire to make more memories.

To Vader and I, the boys sure are growing up fast and growing up handsome :), as to whether they're growing up elephants, that's too soon to tell. I will leave it to Vader to define "elephants"....

Tata!