Myopia

You know when your child is born and as you gaze adoringly upon the miracle of his existence, time seems to stand still? Indeed, time does stand still in our hearts, because at that moment, our perspective pierces through the superficial and no matter how slimy/wrinkly/old-man/alien looking your child looks, we say he/she is perfect. Doesn't matter what religious background we're from or even if we are religionless. Perfect, right.

Then one day you realize you're asking questions like "why can't my child do this yet? Is he slow? Is there something wrong with him?". Even if we manage to maintain some of that perspective we had at his/her birth (let's call this the eternal perspective, just cos, there's no time to explain why so just go along with this label, even if you do think it sounds ridiculous), other people will very kindly remind us.

I find myself suffering from myopia of this sort. I was worried when Chris wasn't sitting stably the day he turned 6 months. Now I worry about when he'll
start pulling himself up. Holding our hands, he can pull himself up, but he doesn't yet have the tendency to or perhaps has not discovered how to pull up using furniture or any props around him.

So as if I don't worry enough to make myself sick, I encountered a certain someone (actually a stranger! A cab driver!) who asked me why baby elephant isn't able to read yet. Being the polite person I am, I just shrugged and said that I didn't know. Yes, I shrugged because if I arrogantly or nonchalantly answered, I would get badgered about my lackadaisical attitude towards my son's development. F*** right? Having to pretend so I'm left alone?

I do admit I'm not truly worried about when he starts to read. It is the interest that is more important and more sustainable than the ability. But I do have my moments when I wonder if I'm ignorant and not helping my kids develop at their optimum pace. These are the moments I feel quite enraged by such comments and want to lash out at people for giving me undue and unnecessary pressure. This conventional, kiasu, hot-housing method is NOT what I think my kids need. It's not whether I want it a certain way that is different from the mainstream ideas, it's just not the best way for them.

What's the best way then? It depends on what you want to achieve. If I merely wanted my kids to grow up being Mensa card wielding, president scholarly type of doctors, lawyers, architects, then maybe hot housing is the way to go. Will it make a difference to them on their deathbeds (yes, their's not mine) what type of career they had and how much money they made? I doubt it.

I'm not saying I want to bring up joyful and secure but non ambitious and non focused adults. I'm just saying that they shouldn't grow up overly preoccupied by what society thinks of them. I'm saying their foundation should be predicated on more sturdy values and not on trends or peer pressure. I think the latter preys on human weakness. I don't think that's the way to go. No way, Jose, no.

I need to look further into the horizon and reclaim that eternal perspective again, to see that my kids are perfect creations. Hell, not only mine, but all kids are. They will grow at their own pace and reach their personal bests. I need to help them drown out the noise that distracts them and perhaps put on blinkers if necessary. I need to appreciate the present but not get caught up by it. Because the present does not foretell the future accurately. Kids don't develop according to a straight line or a smooth curve.

As my rant ends, I am reminded of a special lady who has an autistic daughter. She put it very succinctly for me. "My only expectations of my daughter are that she can feed and bathe herself. She is what she is and I love her". I cannot ever repeat or type her words without tearing up. I see her around still, with her daughter, and I know she wasn't paying lip service to the crowd when she said those words. Just to qualify, it doesn't mean she has no aspirations for her daughter. Just that whatever she is, is good enough.