In the Dread of night

So what do I do when both boys are sleeping at night? I ought to be sleeping, or at least lying beside them trying to rest, so I'll be rested during the day right?

It's a conundrum I go through every night. Should I sleep or get some me time?

What am I doing? Neither resting nor doing something I enjoy. Neither.....

I've just spent the last 30 minutes transferring pictures of Chris from my phone to my laptop, then organising some of the photos...... I've not even begun on baby Elephant's pictures yet...... I dread spending time this way, but it's got to be done someway, somehow. Going through the thousands of pictures I've taken, I realise I've been snapping away with hopeless abandon, totally disregarding the backlash which I'm facing now, but still unwilling to delete any pictures, unless they are a total blur. I admit I hoard pictures, it makes me feel more secure...

Why, hello Baby Brother!!!

Two faced

Two different faces, two different moods. The time difference, half an hour - a feed.

I haven't been able to capture his full smiles on camera yet, because they are "expensive" and fleeting the moment they appear. They catch you unawares, and you wonder what it was you did to make him smile. You try to replicate it but it doesn't work. This boy has a mind of his own, it's pretty obvious. But you know what? I'm happy that his eyes follow mommy around most of the time. He smiles quite alot for me and it makes the endless night feeds and the constant carrying and patting/rocking gently all worth it. My arms ache, my back is stiff and my neck is slightly sore. I need more rest, but in the larger scheme of things, and seeing how quickly baby Elephant grew up, I relish time with Chris even more. Already, he is eight weeks old and fast approaching the two month mark. Where did my newborn go?

Baby of the family

He was dumped on my chest straight after birth. It was a magical feeling. Babies aren't exactly cute when they're just out, but there isn't a greater feeling than to hold and kiss your little one still slimy and bloody. I guess that's just me.

Final faceoff

Well, not really, because a faceoff assumes there are at least two opposing parties willing to engage in a disagreement, a fight, a tussle......

Today's ramblings involves a somewhat sensitive issue, my mom and I. As much as I want to keep from writing about this, I can't, because it's an issue I hold close to my heart. I hope to write about this only once because right now, it seems I've emerged from the 'faceoff' less angry and with new hope.

What I initially intended was a faceoff of sorts, because I was angry and hurt. I wanted to antagonise and wanted things to blow up so that there would be the release I hoped for. Of course we know this type of release is only temporary and eventually leads to more anger and pain. The outcome was not what I planned for but was innately what I desired and I attribute the resolution all to my mom.

It wasn't any particular statement she made. The content of our quarrel was not friendly. The form however, well mostly my mom's, was tired and frustrated, but it betrayed the undertones of love. We had to stop talking because baby Elephant had come running up to us, asking "why?" and Chris was crying for more milk. So off we went our separate ways and the night feed that followed allowed me ample time to mull over the quarrel in its entirety.

I realised then that none of the past hurts mattered anymore, because they happened decades ago. My mom could not even remember certain things she did which hurt me so much. That must be possible only because she never intended to hurt and that she just wasn't herself for those years. Perhaps it was a survival mechanism, acting strong and on the offensive all the time. It is unfortunate that her children had to undergo those experiences with her and often took the brunt of her anger.

 I learnt during the quarrel, that my mom still cared even though she said she gave up long ago. She still comes over every single day to take care of her grandkids and to make sure her daughter is well fed. Even if she thought she didn't care, she's wired to care and to love. Hence the constant nagging to do things better. I used to and maybe still at times, see her nagging as criticism, but have learnt to lighten up and let her have her way most times, because I actually  know her reasons for doing many things.

I am humbled by both the older generation as well as my children. May I continue to maintain this humility and openess to learning from them. May I one day be able to teach or impart some life lessons to my children that they will appreciate too.

Complete

He's arrived, our second bundle of joy. Christopher. I'm now living in the haze of getting used to him and helping baby Elephant get settled too. So is hubby. It's a whirl of emotions. Joy at Chris's arrival and being able to hold him in my arms. Anxiety because of baby Elephant having to cope with so changes at the same time - new baby in the family, being at home during the day instead of at grandma's, mommy not being able to give him all her attention like she used to..... 

Well, baby Elephant's actually surprised me in more ways than one, in his wanting to pat and carry Chris, to give him toys to soothe him when he's wailing, calling me when Chris makes even the tiniest sound so I can take care of Chris. Again, what makes my heart ache is seeing him so loving, and yet at certain times, I see him a little forlorn and lost in his own thoughts. When I'm trying to feed Chris, I see him look up at whatever activity he's in the middle of and look at us, as if he were a little confused and almost as if he longed for the times hen he was the only child.

I laugh, I cry, I struggle with the new situation. Hormones, exhaustion, frustrations.... yet joy pervades. Whatever it is, we are complete :)

p.s. Chris doesn't have a nickname on this blog because the nicknames we used for him haven't yet stuck. Right now, he's all mine and he's known as mommy's sweetheart (I used this for baby Elephant too. Yes, I'm unoriginal but I like what I like :)) Pictures are coming soon, they're on my phone.

Woofus and Pog

I'm not sure how children start getting fond of or attached to certain toys. Perhaps it's familiarity - seeing the toy constantly on the bed and recognising that it is part of the bedtime routine? Perhaps it's how mummy and daddy use the toys to interact with the child and also perhaps the child does exercise some autonomy in choosing a preferred toy. I suspect it's a combination of all three in addition to other factors like whether the child sees that mummy and / or daddy has a certain preference for a certain toy. In any case, I will never find out the importance of each factor in the equation because I could never isolate them. Too complicated for me, but that doesn't mean I don't wonder.

At home, baby Elephant is especially fond of two little animals. A dog we named Rufus (but which he calls "Woofus") and a frog he just calls 'Pog".

He requested that I draw them so I tried. He recognised them, so that suggests to me that the copied images are somewhat decent. He then asked for them to be up on the wall - that was my proudest moment! Only my son would appreciate a drawing like this. Only my husband would think that I can actually draw or copy decently and mean it. I think they're very substandard, lacklustre, but I should try to stop the self-berating because I think I just end up being miserable all the time.




Mummy's drawing of Woofus and Pog!

I made him pose with Rufus because they are just too cute together.



Work as an escape

Baby is due in approximately two weeks and I have no idea why the below is still pending:

1. Window grills to be installed
2. Blinds to be moved
3. New bed for baby Elephant to arrive
4. Electrical sockets to be moved

For each of the above, there is cleaning up due to drilling or some form of dust or dirt caused by the new fixture. I'm beginning to dislike/detest cleaning because my back hurts each time I need to squat to vacuum or sweep or mop. This has become increasingly more difficult to do in the recent weeks because of baby's weight and position. AND...... I only manage to clean once a week!

We've waited for more than a month for the window grill contractor to get back to us and he didn't. We called, smsed, called again and were finally directed to his office to explain what we wanted all over again. They took our window measurements more than a month ago but have now misplaced it and so have to take the measurements again today. They're only doing it today because I insisted. Then there is all the administrative work they have to do before they can give us an installation date.

I seriously couldn't care less about the above preparations because I assumed I would take care of the basics like baby's feeding needs (i.e. my nursing cushion, baby carrier for nursing in public), sleeping arrangement (just need a comfy mattress or two on the floor), my hospital bag list, my meal preparation for after delivery, my post-natal massage arrangements. It doesn't seem like I can get away with just resting and dealing with the stuff I want to deal with, and at such late timing. I dislike the anxiety it triggers because as of now, while I do not know when the grills will get done, I do know that I will have to chase the contractors, be at home to supervise their work and then do the cleaning up after the work is done.

My mind searches for some form of escape and it seems somehow, to land on work. Full time work with reasonable hours that will allow me to:

1. Employ a weekly cleaning service without having to worry about having enough money to pay them
2. End work by 6.30pm at the latest so I get to spend dinner and bedtimes with the children
3. Start saving again instead of depleting my savings
4. Buy toys for the children without having to discuss it with Vader
5. Search for fun classes for the children without having to worry about the price tag they come with
6. Get my mind off home and childcare responsibilities for a few hours a day
7. Stop worrying about Vader's finances and ultimately about money issues that are a common source of tension between couples
8. Have colleagues to lunch with (but the route I'm heading, I think I'll probably not have colleagues for a long time, perhaps forever even)

Apparently, these are all the wrong reasons to want to work full time. There isn't even a hint of being passionate about the work right? Maybe work is not my passion then. Maybe my children are, maybe being at peace with my family situation is more important than having something measureable to pursue. Maybe there are other hobbies I'd like to take up. But then, I wouldn't work at something I hate, I wouldn't choose it, especially if I wanted a long term stable income. I've never seen work as merely a time-passing activity and I resent the suggestion that I would start now, because I know I couldn't sleep well at night if I did a lack-lustre job. If I am at work, then I give my all to it (of course, this leads to other frustrations, but that's another story for another day) and I don't see this changing anytime soon. Yes, I dislike being in management because I actually enjoy the day to day operations in the system. To be asked to aspire to greater things than I am currently emotionally unprepared for brings me back to my childhood days which I hated and beg to be rid off as much as possible.  Just because I can perform well and probably can do greater things doesn't mean I would be happy to. I know one day, I will move on to bigger things, and I will be happy to do so then, but not now.

After working on my business for close to half a year and staying at home for close to year, I find myself still not at peace with these decisions. Part of my frustration stems from the fact that while I am not tied to any work schedules and so can spend more time at home, I don't get to see baby Elephant much more than when I was working long hours.

In this fed up state that I am in, these are some hard facts I've concocted (yes, the irony.... don't judge me):

1. A mother like me can never stop worrying about her kids
2. I need a predictable, stable income
3. Money will not be an issue between couples if they didn't need to rely on their spouses
4. Only a mother will understand why the house needs to be VERY clean (actually because baby Elephant notices when the floor is slightly dirtier and because he plays on it all the time and constantly picks up some piece of dirt or grain of sand - thankfully I've always been around and so he passes it to me instead of putting it into his mouth)*

*Wait! He did pick up a grain of crushed pepper once and put it into his mouth and then started wailing when he tasted it. That was the only week I didn't vacuum or sweep like a lunatic because I thought I should learn to cut myself some slack and give myself fewer anxiety attacks. I never forgave myself after that and have NEVER dared to allow the floor to get dirty again. But every week, it's a constant uphill battle. I clean, and the moment Vader comes home, his shoes bring in the dirt to about a quarter of the living room. I do a clean sweep the next morning while trying to entertain baby Elephant and keeping him away from the dirt. Then over the weekend (when baby Vader is with us all day), I constantly try to sweep the dirt away again. I've accepted that maybe I need to keep the floor clean because the issue of cleanliness for baby Elephant is important only to me. If I relaxed, I wouldn't be happy. If I kicked up a fuss, I would still be the one cleaning, plus this would make everyone unhappy.

I want to be able to say this - I am tired from work! Cut me some slack!  I just want to spend time with my children and not worry about cleaning on a weekly/daily basis (I don't mind cleaning up after meals and baths la). I want to buy this or that toy now! We can start baby Elephant's swimming classes this month and I'll pay for it, don't worry. I'm just gonna cab everywhere because even after saving half my salary, I can bloody well afford it. You like this house? Let's view it because I can pay the cash downpayment straight up. I'm at work the whole week, I actually miss sweeping the floor once a month or putting the clothes to wash and folding them up neatly! What would YOU like to have for dinner? Let me pay for it. Here's a present for you. You don't like it? What would you like? Choose and I'll buy it.

But I can't. So I'll bite my tongue and wait out this period of frustration. Let it pass soon, please.