Viral Fever

 I'm just back to work today, after 3 full days of what the doctor calls viral fever.

Fever that goes away after meds, but then creeps back in again. Not the ultra high temperatures of the low grade one accompanied by headaches, entire body aches, dizziness and the ability to make me feel guilty for getting sick.

I'm not eager to return to work, but I have to. I have bills to pay, retirement and children's education to save up for. The calculations tell me that I have to work until 55 at the very least, 8 years more. But if I want more security, I should work until 57 or 59, or at least transition to work that has lower commitment, but would still pay for living expenses. I have started dreaming about transitioning, yes the dreaming starts now, at least I have a goal or a timeline to work towards. I tell myself that the years fly by, and yes they do, but when i'm in the meetings that achieve little, when some of my days stretch from 8.45am to midnight, each second feels like forever.

I hope for my 2 little elephants (not too little now 😃), that they will explore and find work or multiple areas where they can work that doesn't drain them, but that sustains them and where they can allow God to work through them to reach others.

As for me, yes my work is also to share the good news in the corporate world where I work. I know that I truly can do nothing without Him, and even more so when I feel the situations I face are beyond my control. So I ask for his love and his wisdom to guide me, so that in all moments, the Holy Spirit will work through me. That when the arrows fly at me, he is my shield and my comfort and healer.

I recall 5 years ago, when I was in the same company I'm in now. When I was so lost I would sit in the dark and cry silently, not knowing why and without control. Maybe I'm not as strong as what's required of me to perform my role. So God be my strength now. The instinct to run is strong, but maybe I cling on to Him and keep showing up each day. Maybe in 3 months, I'll have a better grasp of things, or I'll have a better view on my work direction.

I'll take it one day at a time.

It's a Thursday today.

It's Friday tomorrow.

Life as it is

 The boys have grown and are now teenagers. It’s a new space for us as a family - both the boys learning more about themselves and us as parents learning how to love them and provide the protection and guidance they need.

I can’t say everyday is rosy, but through the ups and downs over the years, I see the beauty of my children and hubby. Maybe I’ll explain in more detail in another post, when I manage to gather my thoughts into words.

I’m well along in years now, just a few years shy of the big 50. I can’t say I feel very different, but I do feel tired. Weary of life, but with the knowledge that I will somehow be able to manage it. I take it one day at a time and finish each week off, grateful for the weekends to rest. I allow myself the grace of not working over the weekend to make up for things yet undone at work, even though I know that completing things gives me more peace of mind. But from experience, this peace never lasts, because the next backlog list is hot on my heels. So I learn to sit with the discomfort and try to be at peace with it.

This morning, I had a random thought. What if… what if I’m already in retirement? I get to watch my children grow up each day, I get to spend time with them each evening(even if only for a couple of hours on weekdays), I spend weekends leisurely, I get to serve in church in a ministry I love, I get to work in a corporate setting where my main role is to coordinate and follow up on a few teams to deliver projects. I gym with a group of wonderful people. I meet up with friends every few weeks. 

Perhaps this is the life I’ve wanted, and if I don’t take myself too seriously, then maybe this is already semi-retirement. 

From the Middle

 My dear friend,

Once again, I don't know where to begin. So let's begin with the now. Forgive me if the timeline jumps back and forth as we speak.

Right now, I sit at my desk at home as I write this. My office is now at home, because I am now self-employed. It's been a really tough start and am still building my business. It's funny how I decided to leave the corporate world and all its complexities only to take on an entire new world of endless business-building responsibilities and complexities. 

In the past couple of months, as I'm kept awake with worries of not drawing a salary and having to always have enough cashflow to run and build the business, I realise I was never afraid of tough work. The difference is that now, the huge headaches I'm facing are mine. Prior to having a business of my own, I could never just focus on the subject matter at hand. It was always further complicated by what this manager wanted, which was the opposite of another manager's view or timeline or budget or X number of other factors that would block the work from progressing. Or if work could carry on, it would be temporary or a quick patch job just to meet the month's quota. 

I wish I could say I was angry or disillusioned.  But I'm not, I've become boring. Perhaps when I was deeply involved in corporate culture, I was angry and almost sceptical. However, having my own business now, I understand (not fully, but a little more) the different tensions that come with running a business. The bottom line is always critical, otherwise the business drowns. So profit - both current as well as continual profit. However, to ensure continual profit, people need to be kept happy - customers, suppliers, agents, the regulators, etc. Then this means that timing and approaches are important. Timing - too impatient and I get a bad deal, too slow and I miss a good opportunity. Approaches - being too eager, too hesitant, too aggressive, too slow in response could all kill a good deal or sour a good relationship. 

So why, after all this, is having my own headache to deal with still more fulfilling? Well, again, I cannot help but compare it to my own kids. Because it's mine to love, to build, to shed tears and blood and to agonize over. I'm not sure when I can ever say my business is stable, only having started it officially less than 18 months ago. I'm not sure when I can tell my mum that I have enough profit to start taking home some income. I'm not sure when I can stop worrying if I will run this into the ground. But I know that I am committed to see this through. That I will do all I can to make it work. If you believe in prayers my friend, please pray for me daily, hourly even. 

Love,

Yours.

8 Years

It's been sometime, my good friend. 8 years.

I would like to say that life got in the way and I just lacked the time. But that's not the case. 

The truth is that I have made time for a whole lot of other things and have sidelined my letters to you. No excuses. But I never committed to writing for the sake of writing. I think it got to a point when I started doing that, and it reached a point of burnout.

I never forgot about you. I just had nothing to say, literally. I was tired of narrating my activities or my throughts which just always came back to the same things - family, spouse, fitness. I was worded out and didn't feel there was any value rehashing what I thought about because I had already said it before. You already know me.

That is, until I realised that you didn't, not fully. Because I change, I grow and when I start to sense that life is predictable, I tend to switch things up, perhaps sometimes overthrow the beliefs I once held on to so tightly.

No disaster has taken place, don't worry. My family is still intact and we have grown together. 

I won't make this a long rambling post, just wanted to check in with you, to let you know that I still hold you very dearly in my heart. I've just become less chatty, not neccessarily less joyful. I hope you understand that.

I hope to continue my letters again. Letters to no one in particular. Letters just to help me make sense of things again. These days, I'm often told what I should be thinking and how I should be living life to make it successful. Alot of it is good advice. However, I guess my writing these letters frees me from having to conform all the time. In my letters to you, I'm not expected to share about any topics, make any decisions or act on anything. So they won't be prettily worded or edited. I don't have drafts waiting to be published, I'll just open up the app and start writing. No schedule, not focused themes, no advice to impart. 

I actually have loads to share, my friend. I don't dare share it on platforms where I hope people will read, because they will judge me. Hopefully I will share it in my letters here. 

Signing off,
Your old friend

The house with the Lego

After visiting a few houses over the Chinese New Year holidays, I asked J:

Me: Did you enjoy going to different houses to play? 

J: yes! 

Me: Which one did you like?

J: the one with the Lego 😀

Me: of course! Good choice!

I hope my children never lose sight of the truly important things in life. Never get way laid by materials that impress the eyes. Only be surrounded by people who truly love and who are filled with love.

Mundane

The ordinary, seemingly boring things that we do day after day. The mundane.

In my teens and twenties, I would scoff at   writing and thinking about them. Who would be interested in reading about them. Why would anyone bother?

Well in my thirties now, the mundane things that my children and husband do are what I want never to end. Watching them sleeping peacefully, having them clambour onto me in the morning, the boys singing loudly together in the shower, goofily laughing at silly things, Chris running up to me with his mouth full of his Nutella sandwich, J dressed up in his self-designed superhero costume.. J eating his apple and looking like a chipmunk.. My hubby.. Everything he does is strange and hilarious! His constant Garfield-like demeanor poses a stark contrast to his quickstep, lightning speed actions when he is actually in motion. Until he settles back into a chair again, that is! His clumsiness, his pockets jingling and jangling when he walks due to his mints and coins and keys. His kangaroo pouch that never disappears even when he's lost some weight. His awkwardness in expressing his love, yet how proud he is of himself when he does manage to express himself😀 - childlike behavior that beats a suave guy anytime.

Who would be interested in reading about these mundane descriptions? It doesn't matter. In fact, the less people know, the more precious these memories are. They are memories only my little family will be able to appreciate fully because we are what make them. 

Not yet

Monday... Not yet..

I recall spending the entire weekend with the kids. No Saturday church class and we didn't attend mass as J and I aren't feeling well.... Especially J.

Chris is on the tail end of his viral fever and almost completely healed. Vader is somewhat well but I suspect not fully recovered. 

So we slept in, went out for a late breakfast or brunch. Grocery shopping, then headed home to read. The kids wanted early naps so we slept through lunch time on both Saturday and Sunday. 

We woke up for an early dinner, close to 5.30pm, which seems to work really really well. Then earlier showers and much more time for reading and even some tv! 

Then I realise... That I've lost track of time. I wake up at 1am, feeling wonderful and thinking about what we would doing the following morning with the kids. Then the heart stabbing pain of reality registers and I know I have to be at work in a few hours. I want to kick and cry and scream.

But I turn and look at my kids and I think it's ok. We have time. Not much left, but still time, yes. 

Wool

Pulled over my eyes 

In limbo, yet more settled

Nomadic, yet grounded

Distant, but more attached

Ageing, still sprouting

Fewer words, yet growing in understanding

Speeding forward, yet seeing in slow motion

My hand releases, my heart envelopes

My exterior, my inner self

My rock

My cushions

My parts and my whole.

My present and my future.

Overwhelmed, yet never tiring of it.

Unadulterated

As I have already ascertained in my previous post, I am aging rapidly and rabidly. Here's how I would describe my vision and my journey as I age. Things appear in sharper focus but the tunnel seems to get longer and the weight heavier. 

Let me explain. And I am acutely aware that whenever the phrases 'let me explain' or 'I mean' are used, the expression wasn't clear at all in the first place. Here is where I play the poetic licence card. It was meant to be obtuse. But for the sake of my fast ailing mind and fragile sanity, I would like to explain the description in parts, for the benefit of my poor senile future self. 

'Sharper focus' - I (think I) am clearer on my purpose in life and what I want.

'Tunnel' - life's journey

'Longer' - the more I learn, the more I realise I still need to learn (I.e. The more I don't know la!)

'Weight' - responsibilities. Growing impact that my decisions and actions have on my loved ones. This is not to be seen as a chore / burden but a mere fact.

So what things are in sharper focus? I present yet another list. Each of the below qualities or objects, I realise I prefer in their unadulterated form. Not watered down, no ice, no need for frills, no 'shaken not stirred' Hollywood bravado or any shit like that. Not in any order of merit, except maybe for no. 3, which should be no. 1 if there were any order of merit. 

1. Joy. Simple joy, not the joy you buy with money, seated high in some nauseating 1000 storey building restaurant with a $10,000 bottle of champagne. That's not joy. That's merely your drink spiked with a drug called "FOOL". If you understand what I mean by 'simple', then you will understand how the rest of the list carries on in the same vein. 

2. Simplicity.

3. Love. 

4. Honesty and sincerity.

5. Sheer determination.

6. Humour. Not scornful sarcasm.

7. Humility. I think I understand now that this is not (false) modesty or the unwillingness to admit that you're good at something. It's the brokenness of spirit that makes you thoroughly thankful for everything blessing around you. It is not being too shy/proud to receive help but it is receiving help with open arms and a grateful heart! And then celebrating joyfully with the person who helped you:)

It is also offering help to someone who needs it because we have been through that same desperate state. 

It is, when appropriate, admitting to ourselves that we are poor, we are desperate, we are wrong. And yet, we are no less loved. That it is ok to be weak, because we will heal and learn. And if we are never broken, we will never know that we are loved unconditionally. 

8. Chocolate.

No. 8 is not a joke although in comparison, admittedly, it does look like one. I just like chocolate la. Who said must only put qualities? In my explanatory paragraph on the list, I mentioned 'qualities or objects' what... Just being honest in my list :) 

Oh yes, forgot a crucial point. Most of the qualities, except maybe one or two, I really never never possessed, until I saw them being lived out, mostly by my boys (all 3) and other people around me. I am thankful that I am able to learn and now can say that I possess maybe more than 3 or 4 of the qualities + chocolate (bought by Vader).

I think this may be the last post of the year because I will probably forget to write again until next year. Lots of love, lots of hope! 

(I'm so gonna get into trouble for posting the below pic, lol):

Consumed, utterly.

I have been consumed by life. I believe that is a good way to live, not that I voluntarily choose to be busy, not that I even have so much as a choice. 

I lie here, nine months after my previous post, wanting to document all that life has thrown my way and yet there is too much to say. I'll try to be concise and as complete as I can.

1. I am chin deep in work. I am swallowed by the abyss of work for thirteen hours each day.

2. I celebrate on the weekends, where I get to sleep in with the Vader and the kids. And then do absolutely anything with them, or maybe do nothing at all, as long as I'm with them. My heart overflows with joy.

3. I cook or bake with a mad obsession when I can, on weekends. Baby Elephant has taken to requesting for crepes or pancakes at breakfast time on certain days because he knows I can whip up a good batch. I make a giant egg roll, thinking it world make a good mid morning snack for 4 of us- Vader, the 2 boys and myself. The 2 boys wolf it down in less than 10 minutes. It must be the colorful toothpicks I serve them with. I made a pizza and a calzone for the first time and baby Vader likes it. My mom likes it. If my mom likes anything, it must be good. She is the fussiest and most difficult person in the world to please.

4. My workouts have become second nature to me. At least 5 days a week. I don't even think about them anymore. 

5. I have cleaned out my wardrobe and Vader has cleaned up the entire house. I love it and don't actually want to move anymore. Lol.

6. My eating patterns have become constant. I eat salads almost 5 days a week. I have fruit daily. 2 coffees and 1 green tea daily. No sugar. I'm so used to it that anything with even half sugar I don't enjoy anymore. Salt, the less the better. Best if it's home cooked with no salt or just the tiniest pinch.

My days are full and so is my heart. My routines are constant and I am satisfied with the same things day in day out. I am throughly predictable and happy to be so. This means I'm ageing rapidly, rabidly. 

Little lovers

Kids. Little people who will love you no matter what and will teach you most things about love.

Mommy's changed over the years. Changed jobs. Stopped work. Returned to work. Become skinnier so when you lie on me, you feel my bony chest. Have less time for you during the weekdays. Become more resigned to certain things in life, become more feisty about others.

Yet, because of you guys, mommy wears her heart on her sleeve. The way you two do too :) . That moment when I reach the house gate, when I see you guys smiling or running around, my heart leaps with joy!

Daughter

Not. Hah! Misleading title, yes I know.

My memory fails me so I can't recall if I've ever written a post on this, although I have a sneaking suspicion I might have ....

It started when Chris was still in utero and we found out he was a boy. It continues now when we meet people. Oh, all the comments are from ladies, except the last one. Here's a list of comments plus my honest responses that didn't get to see the light of day because I usually try to be polite:

1. "Another boy? Are you disappointed?"

Why would I be? I have a wonderful boy already and having another one would be like having a second special present. Boys are harder to conceive, apparently. My productive system seems to be superior, fortunately for me :)~

2. "You don't want to have a replica of yourself?"

Ermmm... No.... There can only be one of me and I'd like to keep it that way.

3. "Girls are nice to doll up, you know?"

I know, that's why I had more than 30 Barbie dolls growing up. I've since grown out of that habit.

4. "So wasted, you should have a girl cos you're pretty."

I know, and nature would like to ensure that there's only one of me.

5. "You know, attractive people give birth to girls?"

Ok:) it seems I'm the anomaly.

This one's from Vader:
6. "If we had a girl who looked like you, I'm gonna have lots of problems when she grows up."

This is probably the only reason why i might want a girl, because she would make her daddy melt.


The issue I have with comments like these are that they are thoroughly senseless. I have lost a child in utero before and if that didn't teach me that the gender, the looks, or anything about my child mattered more than his/ her health and happiness, I must be a moron. I am not, thankfully.

I still don't understand though, why gender matters so much to people.

There are also more rules or expectations that girls 'should' conform to. I don't conform to many of them. So if I had a daughter, not only would I be a non conformist or viewed as non compliant, I would also be leading her astray, or so it seems.

So leave me be, and I'll continue keeping my comments to myself, ok, to my little part of cyberspace that no one bothers with.

So Far

We have come so far and done so well. Take me further, even though I haven't a clue where we're going.

Yes, kids, most of the time, mommy hasn't the slightest idea where things are headed. But do continue to trust and things will reveal themselves in good time.

Afternoon naps

One of the things I miss most about being a stay at home mom are the afternoon naps. They're usually between 3 to 6pm and after the boys have been tired out by their post lunch play.

Why do I think I miss these nap times so much? Firstly, I lie in bed with whichever child I put to sleep for almost the entire nap. Sometimes I fall asleep, sometimes I don't. If I'm not asleep, I get to watch them sleep. At night, I don't usually bother to keep awake to watch them :)~ When they wake up from their afternoon naps, they're usually in a good mood, and there isn't a rush to get to the next activity. Maybe it's just something about napping in the middle of the afternoon and waking up at dusk.

For me, there's something about just being home with the children in the afternoon and having absolutely nothing to do but to be with them. And it seems so frivolous on the surface, but so crucial to the development of the child or to the relationship between child and care giver.

Thankfully, I do have a wonderful boss at the moment and the work is relatively meaningful so I look forward to working on weekdays. But still, I do miss these wonderful afternoon naps.

It's tough being a working mother. Wait, it's tough being a mother, period. Even stay at home moms running their own businesses struggle with time management because they can't give as much time to their kids as they'd like. I have to constantly remind myself why I want to work. I want to contribute to the household income and help provide for my kids. I want to be contribute to the workforce by applying myself and doing well at work assigned to me. I think I do appreciate my kids more when I get some personal space for my self development (i.e. work or hobbies).

What can I do to cope? Focus on the present. Tomorrow is a Monday and is a working day for me, but I still have more than 12 hours at home with the kids. I need to focus on that.

Just So You Know

Mornings are difficult for mommy. Not really because I want to continue snoozing. I'm a morning person so I enjoy waking up by 6.30am or earlier. The earlier the better for me, so I can prepare for work leisurely.

BUT, the two of you make it so hard. First, Chris, you take after daddy and would sleep in everyday if you could. Not by yourself though. You want to continue sleeping, snuggled right up to mommy. You whine (with eyes closed, mind you), if I get up. Or you start nursing and fall right back to sleep. You make me wish it was the weekend and I could hug you and let you sleep in for as long as you want.

When I finally convince you that I need to go workout and get ready for work, I see your older brother drinking his milk quietly and watching me. Baby elephant, you wave at me when I say good morning or sometimes stop drinking your milk to speak to me as well. I can't resist giving you a morning kiss. It's like I missed you the entire night because I take care of your brother in a different room at night.

You (two of you) make mommy wear her heart on her sleeve and she enjoys it tremendously.

Back in the game

It's been almost a month since I started work. Most days, I work longer than average hours. How do I feel? Good actually! I feel like I'm able to enjoy having both some individual space to myself as well as time with my family. Because I don't work on weekends, I do get a break from work. Because I no longer stay at home the entire day on weekdays, my cabin fever's gone and I look forward to coming home everyday to spend time with the boys. Weekends are also spent on playing and sometimes just watching the boys play or interact with each other.

Am I having my cake and eating it too? Perspective matters, really. Of course I could lament about missing out on their growing during the day, but I choose to enjoy my workday while I'm in the office. When I say I enjoy my work, no I don't mean I spend time gossiping with girlfriends in the pantry or go for long lunches or coffee breaks. I actually work at my desk and relish being a useful member of a productive team. Then at the end of the day, I go home and my kids see that I'm all smiles. What message do I hope to send to the kids? I hope the kids appreciate me as who I am, as I make earnest attempts to stay true to my identity as a mother, a wife, an employee as well as an employer. I hope my kids see the wholeness of playing different roles that life requires of us and which we innately desire as well. Regardless of whether we work, we are all multi-dimensional creatures and I think it benefits our children to see how we manage each role. I believe it benefits them greatly if they can see that we tackle issues head on, coupled with a heart full of hope. I never want to live with what-ifs or with regrets. I detest being held back by fear because it can be very crippling.

I've never considered myself smart or intelligent by any measure, but I hope I can at least pass on the value of working hard or of pushing and stretching ourselves. Hopefully, coupled with inheriting their father's brains, they will be able to achieve a good measure of fulfillment in their lives.

Mommy's back in the game, boys. At least for now. Let's play it well and enjoy it!

Effective eating with the 4 Hour Body & Nutrition Cycling

'Abs are made in the kitchen'

This is so true. Exercise and good nutrition must go hand in hand and I couldn't agree more.

So on my 50 day journey, have I met my goals? Let's see.

Is it now second nature to eat clean?
Yes, at least when I'm at home. I'm so used to buying chicken breast, eggs, frozen fish fillets and shrimp and salad and stir fry veggies on a weekly basis now. I love the ritual of steaming the chicken and boiling the eggs to keep in the fridge so I'm always well stocked with good, lean protein. I love grilling (sometimes steaming) my fish fillets because the fish tastes gorgeous and melts in my mouth! I love the sweet and crunchy shrimp added to my raw salads or stirfried veggies.

When I'm planning to eat out, I automatically search for the menu online so I know what good foods I can order even before I step into the restaurant. Even if I want to eat items that are not so compliant to clean eating, I already know what I want to order, so I don't go overboard on the day itself.

Have I reached my physical goals?

Measurements wise, I would say I've exceeded expectations. My plan was to have a 24.5 inch waist by December. I've achieved that now and some mornings, my waist is almost 24 inches. I'm not so bothered by measurements though, I just don't want to lose lean muscle.

Fitness wise, I think I've made a vast improvement from when I first started working out in February, but have started to plateau and not have as many personal best timings or reps. This is also one reason why I started adding more high octane carbs to my meals, like fruit or muesli to breakfast on days I feel tired. I also noticed that the day after I eat significantly more, I manage to hit personal bests in my workout. There may come a day when I will include carbs at both breakfast and lunch if I continue to see my fitness plateau for an extended period. I'm still hitting personal bests for now, so I'll keep things the same for now.

Most importantly, am I happy?

Yes, most definitely! I like the clean foods and I like the results! I like feeling lean and not bloated. Going easy on myself also helps prevent wild binges that make me feel terrible.

So I think this lifestyle is sustainable and I think I'll carry on with it. I like that there are also many salad places around now, like Sumo Salad and Salad Stop in town where I can get my protein and salad fix anytime! Yay!

4HB Day 50/50 - 25 June 2012

Post-workout:
Protein shake.

Breakfast:
Tuna, salad.
Green tea.

Snack:
7 baked almonds.

Lunch:
1/4 Chicken breast, hard boiled egg, salad.
Green tea.

Snack:
Fried chicken.

Dinner:
Steamed fish, salad.
Green tea.

Snack:
Black decaf coffee.

4HB Day 49/50 - 24 June 2012

Breakfast:
Protein shake.

Snack:
7 baked almonds.

Lunch:
Chicken breast, salad.
Green tea.

Snack:
Hard boiled egg.

Dinner:
Cheese bread from bakery, fried pumpkin.
Green tea.

Snack:
Black decaf coffee.

4HB Day 48/50 - 23 June 2012

Post-workout:
Protein shake.

Breakfast:
@Jimmy monkey: sausages, scrambled eggs, wilted spinach.
1/4 banana chocolate muffin.
Green tea.

Snack:
Jackfruit.

Lunch:
Chicken breast, salad.
Green tea.

Snack:
Salted peanuts w ikan bilis n sesame seeds.

Dinner:
Mom's birthday dinner @Imperial Treasure: Peking duck wrap (3), tofu w crab, prawn w mayo(2), crispy pork (2 cubes), stirfried long beans, bok chye w mushrooms, 2 Tbsp eefu noodles, red bean cream w lotus.

Post dinner: 2 tbsp muesli w plain yogurt. (didn't feel full after dinner, may not have eaten enough then)
Green tea.

Snack:
Black decaf coffee.