Illusions

I am a coffee lover.What do I enjoy about it?

Firstly, the slight bitter taste it leaves in my mouth, although if it's too acidic or burnt coffee, it's definitely a no go for me. Secondly, the memories made from drinking the stuff.

My first love was always naked, black coffee. Americano done well, or just an expresso shot on its own. It wasn't until I met Vader that I got influenced to drink coffee with well textured milk and the different flavored syrups.

Well, I've since discovered that my first love still is the bare black drink itself. How did I discover this? I'm ashamed to say it's through drinking black decaf coffee... But I'm still nursing Chris, so I prefer not to have a wired up baby on my hands.

I used to think I needed coffee only for the caffeine and not the taste. Now I know I do love the taste, even without the caffeine (or very little of it). Or, it could be that I just haven't had a black cup of joe in years, yes, years...

Memories. Warning... Somewhat LSD type memories coming up, just without the drugs. My earliest memory of having a jolt of black coffee shoot through my system was in uni. To finish up my Literature novels, I would make a huge pot of hot, black coffee and immerse myself in all sorts of worlds conjured up by poets and writers. I'd stay up entire nights reading and drinking coffee and I would say I enjoyed it most when I was so tired and wired up at the same time, I almost couldn't tell the difference between reality and fiction. I would have a mild headache that I actually enjoyed because it dulled my senses to reality and I could somehow turn away from it and focus on fiction or whatever world I was reading about.

Then there were times where I would escape to places by myself. Places where I would not bump into people I knew. Why? Because again, I wanted to enjoy a strong cup of black coffee, except this time, with a ciggie or ten hahha! Ok, maybe five. Again, the moment was so pleasurable because I could enjoy the moment for what it was, alone and without distraction.

Drinking my cup of black decaf coffee now reminds me of my ciggies and I'm embarrassed to say I do miss them sometimes. But I would never harm an unborn child or a nursing child by picking up the habit again. I thought about picking up my ciggies once Chris is weaned, but I've got a new project that is in many ways, like a new baby - my workouts and clean eating commitments which I'm crazy about. :)

Now I'll choose black coffee alone, thank you. No cigarettes required this time.

Times when my memory trips and surfaces past indulgences like these, I still enjoy the moment, but only as a memory. I enjoy the illusion of taking a sip of strong coffee and drawling hard on a fag. I allow the pleasure to wash all over me and think to myself, no calories (ok, maybe 4 cals because it's instant coffee), all pleasure. Aaah, maybe cigarettes may shorten my life, but I could live with a short and pleasurable life. I could live with this illusion, just so long as it remains one, yes.

One more thought, the moment black coffee goes past my lips, my cravings for junk stops and I absolutely love it, adore it :)