Excuse me, are you a model?

Not boasting. Just my honest opinion. Not saying baby elephant is better looking than other children, although as a mother, I do possess the liberty to be partial.

Some of us work at it and fail badly.

Some of us work at it and do a little better.

Some are just born this way.

Photogenic, that is. Some models look pretty ordinary in person, but when they're captured in pictures, Bam! They blow you away. Some just don't have to try.

It's easy to photograph baby elephant because he is photogenic. (Except when he is told to pose or smile... )

I think I love my son a little bit more

Recently, I read this article:

http://blogs.babble.com/being-pregnant/2011/03/15/mom-confession-i-think-i-love-my-son-a-little-bit-more/

It made me reflect on my own family situation. I've always readily admitted to Vader that I'm all human and am in no way perfect. So I fully expect myself to have a favorite, or at least practice some favoritism.

I expect that if I have a favorite, that it would be obvious to me. The thing is, it's not. I try to complete this sentence in my head: I have a favorite and he is _________. For the life of me, for the longest time, I cannot fill in the blank! Not because I'm trying to be impartial and not have a favorite. Not because I do not or cannot bring myself to admit that there is a favorite. Definitely not because I'm apathetic towards my two boys. So what is it? I don't know!

I ask Vader if I show any favoritism. I can't expect him to know if I actually do have one, only if I show any signs of it. He says sometimes I seem to give Chris more attention, but that it's barely noticeable, and that it's probably because I am the only one taking care of him. So maybe, maybe it's Chris. But that doesn't explain why I love spending time with baby elephant and when i'm with Chris while he's asleep, I listen to what baby elephant is doing and catch myself looking at his pictures so often. It doesn't explain why sometimes when baby elephant is acting up, that I feel so sad for him and want to cuddle him instead of reprimanding him. No, it doesn't explain why when his other caregivers are so ready to scold him for being rough with Chris, that I feel I need to protect him or stand up for him.

So it could be baby elephant after all!

Then I look at Chris and I am consumed by his babyness. When he looks up at me in the morning and smiles, everything around me literally fades away and I am enraptured by his gaze.

I'm not getting any answers here. Grrrrr.....

You know what happens then? I stop chasing my tail for a moment and I realize I am truly spoilt for choice. Maybe my favorite choice changes from day to day, maybe I flit from one to the other in some unexplained, random manner. Maybe there is no favorite then. Maybe both are and I could never choose.

Then there is always Vader in the background (he's not gonna like this image of him in the background, haha). My silent, sturdy support. He's very arrogantly told me before, "remember that your sons will leave you. Remember who will be with you for the rest of your life".

Maybe I don't get to choose a favorite. Maybe my favorite will choose me!

Phantom photographer

These photos appeared in my phone this morning. I didn't take them. But I do love them.

Thank you, my phantom photographer!

Dum Ditty Dum Ditty Dum Dum Dum

This is a line from a Dr Seuss book which baby Elephant is quite fond of. He sings "dum ditty dum ditty dum dum dum, hand in hand all monkeys come". He holds Chris's hand as he sings this.

Yesterday, I saw him crouching down to talk to Chris n stroking his arm gently. Chris was struggling to get up on all fours and baby elephant was encouraging him.

:
:
:

Fear, confusion and jealousy slowly giving way to encouragement, understanding and hopefully empathy and love. Sure, the negatives still exist, but I think baby elephant is gradually beginning to realize that Chris isn't here to take mommy and daddy away. I think he's beginning to see that we operate as a family unit. And! A very big And here, that, he has a partner. He is no longer the only 'small person' around. He's beginning to use phrases like "next time, eat together (with Chris)", "play with Chris". He also offers Chris his food or snacks when he sees Chris eyeballing the food. We've had to explain that Chris can't eat just yet.

We recently had a staycation at the Crowne Plaza Changi hotel. Baby elephant would run up to talk to Chris whenever Chris was hollering for mommy. When Chris started his pig grunts at 6am, baby Elephant woke up but didn't complain. He merely played with his frog to soothe himself back to sleep.

When both boys were asleep in the hotel room, I would turn to my right and watch baby elephant sleeping, then look down to see Chris snoring away on my chest. I realized that we were coming together quite nicely as a family. (Vader was showering, enjoying the brilliant rain shower!)

Six months is not a long time to see progress, but when parents are faced with the rawness of a new and difficult situation, it almost seems like it will never get better. After all the worrying and uncertainty, I see that the efforts are well worth it.

After all, what's better than watching a child grow up? Watching two children grow up together, that's what!

Good things come in threes

That's what they say 

Here are my threes!!

And just coz I think it's quite an achievement to be able to carry both boys!

Oh I love my three boys!!

Flying past

Chris will be six months in 14 days.... I spend at least 22 hours with him, every single day, yet I cannot believe so much time has passed. Times when I need to carry him for the entire length of his nap, I wish time would speed up, but most days, I find that it's already late afternoon or evening and we're headed for the next day too soon.

I suspect babies cast love spells over their mothers, so we carry on in a giddy haze, all smiley and loving while trying to meet their every whim and fancy. We, or at least I, forget the month we're in, the date, the day of the week, sometimes even the year we're in. I no longer watch the clock when nursing him. Doesn't sound logical, because I do time his feeds and naps, but I don't let the time bother me. I have learnt to watch his cues instead. When in doubt, feed again, or feed more often.

A close friend is already feeling nostalgic about pregnancy and childbirth. Her son is only 11 days older than Chris. I share the nostalgia too, but at this moment, my time is up for childbearing. Not because of health reasons, but because our finances are somewhat tight and because we want to enjoy our children and not have to worry about another one. Plus, with two boys, I do feel like we are complete.  I never say never, but for now at least, no more. Still, I do induldge my sentimentality by watching videos of homebirths and vlogs of YT mommies who have three kids and more. Then I turn to look at Chris and images of his birth flash in my mind. I wish I had been more sentimental about the boys' births and taken more pictures or even a video. But I'm not about to have another child for the sake of satisfying my desire to make more memories.

To Vader and I, the boys sure are growing up fast and growing up handsome :), as to whether they're growing up elephants, that's too soon to tell. I will leave it to Vader to define "elephants"....

Tata!

Purposeful drawings

He can draw!

Donuts! A boy after my own heart :)

Getting a life (back)!

Four days a week, I don't even step out of the house. I do have my showers every morning and evening and change into day clothes in the mornings and PJs at night to give me some semblance of a life. So I'm tremendously grateful for the other three days that I do get to leave the house.

Once a week, we cart the two boys over to my mom's place. While Chris naps in the afternoon, I run out for a quick session of foot reflexology - my only me time :) But this is enough to keep me going and often finds me all chirpy and ready for mommy duty again!

Sundays, we head out for church. It's really nice to have the whole family together in church, even though I'm carrying Chris the entire time. But Vader carries baby Elephant the entire time and he's much heavier, so I can't complain hahhah

Saturdays, ahhhh Saturdays..... the triple "F" experience! Family, food and fun! In order of priority, yes! We enjoy brunch together and sometimes get a spot of shopping done as well.

At jimmy monkey. Vader tells me the coffee's good!

I wanted to get in with him.... heh!

Simple Parenting

In my efforts to give my children the best, I think I've failed on many counts. What is the best? Who defines this? Which parenting book do we choose to follow, since there are different camps of parenting styles? See, I cannot ever decide which route is the best, and so my mind constantly flip flops from one option to the next.

A friend posted this link about "Simplicity Parenting" on her Facebook wall:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/abi-cotler-oroarty/parenting-simplifying_b_829503.html?ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

I like that it talks about raising calmer, happier and more secure children. The more I read articles and books about parenting, the more I'm convinced I want to raise children to be secure, curious and passionate about life and about whatever craft they choose to be involved in. My role as a parent has to be to raise them to achieve their own personal best and maybe push them a little more. So regardless of what they want to do, they have to be passionate about it. If they were to choose to be truck drivers, then my job would be to motivate and encourage them to be the best. I like that the author (Kim John Payne, M.Ed) of the book  "Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids." describes childhood as an unfolding experience, rather than an enrichment opportunity - which he likens to an arms race. I couldn't agree more.

I also like that the final words of the book ask us as readers to simply begin, implying that we should stop worrying and fretting about how to get to our final destination.

So having read this article, I would say that at the very least, I have a clearer picture of which camp I'm in. Fret not? That's a tough call for me. Fret less, possible :)

Bye for now! See you later, alligator!

Only Child

My sunday school teacher used to tell us that God loves us (His creations) as if we were his only child(ren), despite the world being made up of billions of people. It was one of those teachings that intrigued me, because it made me feel special, and yet I never found myself fully convinced, because it seemed impossible. It was like the concept of Santa Claus. You find it impossible to believe one man could deliver all the Christmas presents in the world in just one night, but you want to believe in him anyway, just because his existence makes us feel special and desired. As I grew into an adult, the cynicism that creeped in persuaded me that this teaching might just be a feel good tactic aimed at keeping me faithful and obedient.

I'm glad to say reality has bitten cynicism in the ass. As I was talking to Chris yesterday, I caught myself unawares as I told him I loved him as if he were my only child. Several instances, when I'm spending one on one time with baby Elephant, I feel as if he were my only child. Not that I forget one when I'm with the other, but it's as if I'm drawn into their world and am consumed by their presence, their needs, likes and dislikes at that moment.

A dear friend asked me, if having two kids resulted in my love being divided, because in terms of time spent with each one, it certainly feels that way, to all parties involved. However, the intensity and the quality of the emotions are multiplied somewhat. I cannot explain how this is even possible, but it is.


To baby Elephant, I love you as if you were my only child and you are more than good enough for me.

To Chris, you may have arrived second, but I love you as if you were my only child, and you are more than enough for me.

'Nuff said.

32 Back & Forth

Turning 32.

Things I like about it:

1. I get to celebrate it with many people! Vader, Baby Elephant and Chris, plus the many other friends you've reconnected with, mainly because you have become parents, and then go on to become dear friends with :)
2. It's not an OLD age, youth is relatively still within my grasp
3. I'm not an inexperienced juvenile anymore. (Just the other day, someone called me to ask me about my work and my experience, then went on to ask if I was married. When I said I was, and that I had two kids, she gave a sigh of relief. I could almost hear the speech bubble in her head shouting "Thank goodness! I thought  was talking to some young thing with no experience!" - I was tempted to say that being married with kids is not really an indication of experience, but decided not to.... heheh
4. I can look back and have lots to be thankful for - like I cannot believe I'm still happily surviving after 32 years. When I first met Vader, I told him my life would probably be over at 30, and I actually believed it, because I dreaded it then.
5. There is still a huge expanse of life, waiting to be explored, and I can explore, because of point 2 - I'm not yet decrepit and waiting to keel over at any moment

What I dislike about it:

1. Because life is relatively busy, with work and kids, birthdays for the adults now become almost non-issues... this year I almost felt like there would be no celebration and I was beginning to accept it
2. Expectations build - maybe my own, maybe my perception of what society expects of me... I don't know.... part of me feels the pressure to conform, part of me yearns to rebel - so nothing achieved that I would say I'm proud of
3. There just isn't time to celebrate it properly

On the evening of my birthday, I decided to live in the moment and heck care everything I worry about. I think that was the best decision I've made this month. I look at my tired eyes, and then I look at my kids. Somehow the look in their faces causes me to forge forward with renewed hope. This is why I hoard pictures of them.

Vader doesn't like his pictures on blogs, not even mine. But I disregard this totally. I love this picture to bits! Just putting up pics of the kids doesn't suffice. A pic of the kids and me? Someone's missing. So heck!

In the Dread of night

So what do I do when both boys are sleeping at night? I ought to be sleeping, or at least lying beside them trying to rest, so I'll be rested during the day right?

It's a conundrum I go through every night. Should I sleep or get some me time?

What am I doing? Neither resting nor doing something I enjoy. Neither.....

I've just spent the last 30 minutes transferring pictures of Chris from my phone to my laptop, then organising some of the photos...... I've not even begun on baby Elephant's pictures yet...... I dread spending time this way, but it's got to be done someway, somehow. Going through the thousands of pictures I've taken, I realise I've been snapping away with hopeless abandon, totally disregarding the backlash which I'm facing now, but still unwilling to delete any pictures, unless they are a total blur. I admit I hoard pictures, it makes me feel more secure...

Why, hello Baby Brother!!!

Two faced

Two different faces, two different moods. The time difference, half an hour - a feed.

I haven't been able to capture his full smiles on camera yet, because they are "expensive" and fleeting the moment they appear. They catch you unawares, and you wonder what it was you did to make him smile. You try to replicate it but it doesn't work. This boy has a mind of his own, it's pretty obvious. But you know what? I'm happy that his eyes follow mommy around most of the time. He smiles quite alot for me and it makes the endless night feeds and the constant carrying and patting/rocking gently all worth it. My arms ache, my back is stiff and my neck is slightly sore. I need more rest, but in the larger scheme of things, and seeing how quickly baby Elephant grew up, I relish time with Chris even more. Already, he is eight weeks old and fast approaching the two month mark. Where did my newborn go?

Baby of the family

He was dumped on my chest straight after birth. It was a magical feeling. Babies aren't exactly cute when they're just out, but there isn't a greater feeling than to hold and kiss your little one still slimy and bloody. I guess that's just me.

Final faceoff

Well, not really, because a faceoff assumes there are at least two opposing parties willing to engage in a disagreement, a fight, a tussle......

Today's ramblings involves a somewhat sensitive issue, my mom and I. As much as I want to keep from writing about this, I can't, because it's an issue I hold close to my heart. I hope to write about this only once because right now, it seems I've emerged from the 'faceoff' less angry and with new hope.

What I initially intended was a faceoff of sorts, because I was angry and hurt. I wanted to antagonise and wanted things to blow up so that there would be the release I hoped for. Of course we know this type of release is only temporary and eventually leads to more anger and pain. The outcome was not what I planned for but was innately what I desired and I attribute the resolution all to my mom.

It wasn't any particular statement she made. The content of our quarrel was not friendly. The form however, well mostly my mom's, was tired and frustrated, but it betrayed the undertones of love. We had to stop talking because baby Elephant had come running up to us, asking "why?" and Chris was crying for more milk. So off we went our separate ways and the night feed that followed allowed me ample time to mull over the quarrel in its entirety.

I realised then that none of the past hurts mattered anymore, because they happened decades ago. My mom could not even remember certain things she did which hurt me so much. That must be possible only because she never intended to hurt and that she just wasn't herself for those years. Perhaps it was a survival mechanism, acting strong and on the offensive all the time. It is unfortunate that her children had to undergo those experiences with her and often took the brunt of her anger.

 I learnt during the quarrel, that my mom still cared even though she said she gave up long ago. She still comes over every single day to take care of her grandkids and to make sure her daughter is well fed. Even if she thought she didn't care, she's wired to care and to love. Hence the constant nagging to do things better. I used to and maybe still at times, see her nagging as criticism, but have learnt to lighten up and let her have her way most times, because I actually  know her reasons for doing many things.

I am humbled by both the older generation as well as my children. May I continue to maintain this humility and openess to learning from them. May I one day be able to teach or impart some life lessons to my children that they will appreciate too.

Complete

He's arrived, our second bundle of joy. Christopher. I'm now living in the haze of getting used to him and helping baby Elephant get settled too. So is hubby. It's a whirl of emotions. Joy at Chris's arrival and being able to hold him in my arms. Anxiety because of baby Elephant having to cope with so changes at the same time - new baby in the family, being at home during the day instead of at grandma's, mommy not being able to give him all her attention like she used to..... 

Well, baby Elephant's actually surprised me in more ways than one, in his wanting to pat and carry Chris, to give him toys to soothe him when he's wailing, calling me when Chris makes even the tiniest sound so I can take care of Chris. Again, what makes my heart ache is seeing him so loving, and yet at certain times, I see him a little forlorn and lost in his own thoughts. When I'm trying to feed Chris, I see him look up at whatever activity he's in the middle of and look at us, as if he were a little confused and almost as if he longed for the times hen he was the only child.

I laugh, I cry, I struggle with the new situation. Hormones, exhaustion, frustrations.... yet joy pervades. Whatever it is, we are complete :)

p.s. Chris doesn't have a nickname on this blog because the nicknames we used for him haven't yet stuck. Right now, he's all mine and he's known as mommy's sweetheart (I used this for baby Elephant too. Yes, I'm unoriginal but I like what I like :)) Pictures are coming soon, they're on my phone.

Woofus and Pog

I'm not sure how children start getting fond of or attached to certain toys. Perhaps it's familiarity - seeing the toy constantly on the bed and recognising that it is part of the bedtime routine? Perhaps it's how mummy and daddy use the toys to interact with the child and also perhaps the child does exercise some autonomy in choosing a preferred toy. I suspect it's a combination of all three in addition to other factors like whether the child sees that mummy and / or daddy has a certain preference for a certain toy. In any case, I will never find out the importance of each factor in the equation because I could never isolate them. Too complicated for me, but that doesn't mean I don't wonder.

At home, baby Elephant is especially fond of two little animals. A dog we named Rufus (but which he calls "Woofus") and a frog he just calls 'Pog".

He requested that I draw them so I tried. He recognised them, so that suggests to me that the copied images are somewhat decent. He then asked for them to be up on the wall - that was my proudest moment! Only my son would appreciate a drawing like this. Only my husband would think that I can actually draw or copy decently and mean it. I think they're very substandard, lacklustre, but I should try to stop the self-berating because I think I just end up being miserable all the time.




Mummy's drawing of Woofus and Pog!

I made him pose with Rufus because they are just too cute together.



Work as an escape

Baby is due in approximately two weeks and I have no idea why the below is still pending:

1. Window grills to be installed
2. Blinds to be moved
3. New bed for baby Elephant to arrive
4. Electrical sockets to be moved

For each of the above, there is cleaning up due to drilling or some form of dust or dirt caused by the new fixture. I'm beginning to dislike/detest cleaning because my back hurts each time I need to squat to vacuum or sweep or mop. This has become increasingly more difficult to do in the recent weeks because of baby's weight and position. AND...... I only manage to clean once a week!

We've waited for more than a month for the window grill contractor to get back to us and he didn't. We called, smsed, called again and were finally directed to his office to explain what we wanted all over again. They took our window measurements more than a month ago but have now misplaced it and so have to take the measurements again today. They're only doing it today because I insisted. Then there is all the administrative work they have to do before they can give us an installation date.

I seriously couldn't care less about the above preparations because I assumed I would take care of the basics like baby's feeding needs (i.e. my nursing cushion, baby carrier for nursing in public), sleeping arrangement (just need a comfy mattress or two on the floor), my hospital bag list, my meal preparation for after delivery, my post-natal massage arrangements. It doesn't seem like I can get away with just resting and dealing with the stuff I want to deal with, and at such late timing. I dislike the anxiety it triggers because as of now, while I do not know when the grills will get done, I do know that I will have to chase the contractors, be at home to supervise their work and then do the cleaning up after the work is done.

My mind searches for some form of escape and it seems somehow, to land on work. Full time work with reasonable hours that will allow me to:

1. Employ a weekly cleaning service without having to worry about having enough money to pay them
2. End work by 6.30pm at the latest so I get to spend dinner and bedtimes with the children
3. Start saving again instead of depleting my savings
4. Buy toys for the children without having to discuss it with Vader
5. Search for fun classes for the children without having to worry about the price tag they come with
6. Get my mind off home and childcare responsibilities for a few hours a day
7. Stop worrying about Vader's finances and ultimately about money issues that are a common source of tension between couples
8. Have colleagues to lunch with (but the route I'm heading, I think I'll probably not have colleagues for a long time, perhaps forever even)

Apparently, these are all the wrong reasons to want to work full time. There isn't even a hint of being passionate about the work right? Maybe work is not my passion then. Maybe my children are, maybe being at peace with my family situation is more important than having something measureable to pursue. Maybe there are other hobbies I'd like to take up. But then, I wouldn't work at something I hate, I wouldn't choose it, especially if I wanted a long term stable income. I've never seen work as merely a time-passing activity and I resent the suggestion that I would start now, because I know I couldn't sleep well at night if I did a lack-lustre job. If I am at work, then I give my all to it (of course, this leads to other frustrations, but that's another story for another day) and I don't see this changing anytime soon. Yes, I dislike being in management because I actually enjoy the day to day operations in the system. To be asked to aspire to greater things than I am currently emotionally unprepared for brings me back to my childhood days which I hated and beg to be rid off as much as possible.  Just because I can perform well and probably can do greater things doesn't mean I would be happy to. I know one day, I will move on to bigger things, and I will be happy to do so then, but not now.

After working on my business for close to half a year and staying at home for close to year, I find myself still not at peace with these decisions. Part of my frustration stems from the fact that while I am not tied to any work schedules and so can spend more time at home, I don't get to see baby Elephant much more than when I was working long hours.

In this fed up state that I am in, these are some hard facts I've concocted (yes, the irony.... don't judge me):

1. A mother like me can never stop worrying about her kids
2. I need a predictable, stable income
3. Money will not be an issue between couples if they didn't need to rely on their spouses
4. Only a mother will understand why the house needs to be VERY clean (actually because baby Elephant notices when the floor is slightly dirtier and because he plays on it all the time and constantly picks up some piece of dirt or grain of sand - thankfully I've always been around and so he passes it to me instead of putting it into his mouth)*

*Wait! He did pick up a grain of crushed pepper once and put it into his mouth and then started wailing when he tasted it. That was the only week I didn't vacuum or sweep like a lunatic because I thought I should learn to cut myself some slack and give myself fewer anxiety attacks. I never forgave myself after that and have NEVER dared to allow the floor to get dirty again. But every week, it's a constant uphill battle. I clean, and the moment Vader comes home, his shoes bring in the dirt to about a quarter of the living room. I do a clean sweep the next morning while trying to entertain baby Elephant and keeping him away from the dirt. Then over the weekend (when baby Vader is with us all day), I constantly try to sweep the dirt away again. I've accepted that maybe I need to keep the floor clean because the issue of cleanliness for baby Elephant is important only to me. If I relaxed, I wouldn't be happy. If I kicked up a fuss, I would still be the one cleaning, plus this would make everyone unhappy.

I want to be able to say this - I am tired from work! Cut me some slack!  I just want to spend time with my children and not worry about cleaning on a weekly/daily basis (I don't mind cleaning up after meals and baths la). I want to buy this or that toy now! We can start baby Elephant's swimming classes this month and I'll pay for it, don't worry. I'm just gonna cab everywhere because even after saving half my salary, I can bloody well afford it. You like this house? Let's view it because I can pay the cash downpayment straight up. I'm at work the whole week, I actually miss sweeping the floor once a month or putting the clothes to wash and folding them up neatly! What would YOU like to have for dinner? Let me pay for it. Here's a present for you. You don't like it? What would you like? Choose and I'll buy it.

But I can't. So I'll bite my tongue and wait out this period of frustration. Let it pass soon, please.

Freshly picked!

In love with these, but not sure if I'll get them for baby Elephant, since he outgrows shoes pretty quickly.

http://freshlypicked.bigcartel.com/product/moccasins-burnt-sienna

While I'm tempted to indulge once in a while, I'm not sure his shoes make much difference to baby Elephant, only that they are comfortable and nonslip. An indulgence for the eyes then :) Good enough for me!


Precious

I asked Vader if it was heartwarming to have baby Elephant fall asleep in his arms. I couldn't make out what he said, but it was something like "no, not really...". Ha! What an alpha male. An alpha male who doesn't exercise (because of how tremendously busy he is). Still, double Ha!

Me? I just gush over such pictures! I couldn't stop watching the two of them :)

I can't believe our younger one is 1.5 weeks away from being full term! I'll have two precious little boys to carry then! So unimaginably scary but yet I can't wait :)

Inconsistent

I've been inconsistent in my references to baby Elephant. I'm not sure when I started refering to him as baby Vader, but these two are one and the same. I'll try to be consistent from now on. Silly me!

Weed!

Mama! Book! Weed!

We brought baby Vader to Borders over the weekend again. He gets excited just running around from shelf to shelf picking out books, with daddy following right behind him, just barely catching up sometimes, as he darts around. I settled down next to the book bin, and would find baby Vader running back to me with a different book each time, asking to be read to. 

I always want to remember how baby Vader puts the book in front of us and climbs into our laps expectantly, knowing he will enjoy being read to. There will come a time when he will retreat to his own little corner or room to enjoy reading in solitude. Until then, I will enjoy reading to him. When he no longer needs mum or dad to read to him, I wish for him all the joy that reading brings. That more than being just a source of information, his books will become prized possessions that father and son can share. I don't understand why Vader enjoys collecting books, although I know he enjoys reading. I'm the sort who treasures old books that have comments in the margins and are perhaps a little dog-eared. Somehow, they remind me of how I fell in love with the book, the characters or perhaps the theme of the book, almost like reading entries in an old journal. While I don't understand why Vader treats his books the way he does, something about it makes me smile, ok, I laugh sometimes. That is not to say I won't get annoyed if he treats them better than he treats his family.

So one of the must haves in my bag when going out with baby Vader is one of his books. Toys don't seem to occupy him for long, but books do, thankfully.

Narcissist

I allowed baby Vader to toy around with the camera this morning. He giggles when I show him pictures taken of him as a young baby. When I take a picture of him and show it to him on the spot, he is fascinated.

I show him how to point and press the button and proceed to guide him for one picture:

I show him again with his Tigger toy:

He insists on being in the picture:

I point the camera at myself and let him try taking a picture of me. He succeeds and repeats "ma ma", "ma ma" when he sees the picture. He then goes on to fiddle with the camera on his own. As I upload the pictures onto my laptop, wanting to proudly show his picture of me on this blog, I discover it's missing and probably was deleted by him...... I saw him going to the menu to fiddle with stuff. It was the only picture missing. Hrmph!


As I sit here waiting for him to wake up from his nap. I wonder, who's the real narcissist? Ha! I took a picture of the two of us after that, but it's too ugly (i.e. me, not him) to be put up.

Thoughtful Tuesdays

This picture was taken on Tuesday :)

I started a journal for baby Vader before he was born, so all his ultrasound pictures are in there. However, I only ever wrote in it twice, before this week. After he was born, the atmosphere at home was hardly pleasant (at least for me), not because of baby Vader, but because I was a new mum trying to be a good mum while still trying to please everyone around me. On hindsight, I think my tendency to be self-conscious and worry about what other people feel or think tends to get in the way of my effectiveness and most importantly, my joy.

With the younger one coming in 8 weeks or less, the same fears are creeping up in me, but this time round, I'm a little calmer, a little more ready to face and tackle situations as they come. I guess I now know that fewer things matter, but these few that do, I hold closer to my heart.

Now back to the journal. These are personal letters from mummy to baby Vader, not just a description of how he has grown and when he's crossed his milestones (actually I don't seem to be tracking them very diligently.... dunno why leh). The letters are about my thoughts on our interactions, my fears as a mum (just so he knows I know I'm not perfect but I'm trying) and certain explanations on how I see the world and maybe, just maybe, he'll learn that while there is disparity between our ideals and how the actual world actually functions, we can learn to appreciate the imperfections, to be more tolerant of things around us, to see that there is beauty in life. Perhaps this journal (as with most parent-child interactions) benefits me more than him. When I try to show him glimpses of beauty and joy in our life, my eyes also begin to seek out the blessings surrounding us.

Our Easter Weekend

Being approximately 57 days away from my younger son's EDD, the fear that there will be less time to spend with baby Vader is growing. While I'm aware that less time doesn't mean less love for the boy, it's still a worry nonetheless. He's also becoming more interactive and able to enjoy the places we bring him to, so I feel even more drawn to spending more time with him.

The Easter weekend that just passed, we had the privilege of spending close to three full days with him and I absolutely loved it. I relish spending time with him because it allows us to show him even more, who Daddy and Mummy are as parents, husband and wife and as individuals. I know children observe and learn more than we aware of. One thing I've noticed just the past week, is that when I tell Daddy what baby Vader was up to when he wasn't around, baby Vader turns to watch me. It's as if he understands our conversation and is checking if I'm recounting the events accurately. One day, I'm expecting him to interrupt and tell Daddy that Mummy forgot something or that I'm telling it all wrong! I wonder how much more he's aware of that he's not letting on. Amazing.

So over the weekend, we brought him to church on Good Friday and Easter Sunday and were able to explain the significance of this event to us. We've since discovered how he's been watching us while we read to him from his bible (at his request), sing church songs to him and show him how to bow. All along when we attend mass every weekend, he would be a silent observer (ok, mostly silent, not always though). This weekend, he's taken to shouting "Amen!", "Pray!" and "Bow!" while performing the respective actions at certain times during mass, it looks random, but we're not really quite sure because sometimes it seems there is some timing to it. However, we've also realised that as he discovers how much more there is to see, to learn and to play in his suroundings, he's begins to get restless easily, especially when the masses over the Easter weekend are a little longer than normal masses. I hope he learns to enjoy the true meaning of mass and to focus over time. I know this might take decades...... even as an adult, sometimes I catch myself drifting away. Having children certainly makes me learn how to be more attentive and focused, even in church. I am thankful.

Apart from church, we brought baby Vader to Ikea and Borders for the first time! I was so glad, because he doesn't get to go out much and sometimes, I feel like we've not done enough ...... many times when I hear about how other parents bring their child out almost every weekend, I admit I feel envious of their families and sorry for baby Vader.  I think he actually enjoys seeing Daddy and Mummy being out and about, having and sharing our meals with him, shopping for stuff and of course, being let loose in a child friendly bookstore. He loves his books and was picking out way too many books for us to buy, so we had to choose those that were age appropriate and tell him he'd get the rest when he's a little older.

At Ikea while Daddy and Mummy ate lunch.

His spoils from Borders.

Well, he can't read yet, but he enjoys being read to from these type of books, on top of those with a thousand flaps he can fiddle with. Vader told me that baby Vader picked out the Star Wars Little Library, while I was in the ladies. I wonder how much influence Vader had over his choice hahahhahah!



Third trimester nausea

I assumed my nausea disappeared right around the 13th week.

I was wrong....

It reappears now not because of hormones. I can see what's causing it this time round.

It is baby's feet kicking mummy's stomach area, just under my ribs. I see his feet poking out and moving around my stomach and feel like throwing up. I tap gently on his foot and talk to him, sing to him, he continues moving and then even when he finally takes a break from all the action, his feet land right smack in the middle of my stomach.

I know it's cute that he's moving so much and is unaware of his effect on me, but right now, I just feel sick......

Umbrrrr

 Baby Vader likes his umbrellas, anything that looks like an umbrella, even the lacy, pink food cover that hangs in one one of our kitchen cabinets.

Oh yes, he can't yet pronounce the entire word, so his attempt at the moment is an emphatic "Umbrrrrr!!!!!" .

On a separate note, I've been reminded several times, not to let him play in the kitchen, but I still do, when I'm there with him. I imagine being a curious child, looking into the kitchen and wanting to be where mummy is, trying to do what mummy is doing, and not allowed to. I would be frustrated if I were him. I teach him not to come near the stove when it's in use, so he stands at the kitchen doors and look in when I need to use the stove. I remind him constantly that the dustbin is a place we throw things and that we never pick things up from it. This one requires constant reminders because he pushes his luck all the time.

Get well soon, mummy!

The card says it all :)

This is from a couple of weekends ago, when I was nursing a runny nose the entire Saturday. The card was drawn by Vader, but I noticed baby Vader (no prizes for guessing his name now) had contributed his scribblings :) I recovered within a day, but baby Vader took a longer time, in fact, his nose is still slightly stuffy now..... although he doesn't seem to mind.

Mr Grumps

You lookin' at me?

Someone's sure nailed the grumpy look.

Sorry sweetheart, you're gonna hate having this picture posted, but mummy sure thinks you still look heavenly, even with that stare and the unkempt hair!

Baring it all for you

Everyone's got a public and a private self. The distinction between the two selves varies from person to person. Mine, they're almost two distinct and separate persons. Why? I can't go into too much detail, only to say that I grew up learning that if your closest of kins cannot protect you and in fact will harm you (albeit unconsciously and intentionally), then my only choice was to withdraw and protect myself, to run to a place I could get some peace of mind. However, this didn't prevent me from constantly wondering what I did wrong. So the public self was always agreeable (well, most of the time at least) while the private self doubted everything and rebelled without reason, just because their was always an issue with authority figures.

Wearing this mask for a long time only served to gnaw away at my inner core, my true self. Slowly and gradually, I never wanted to be at home, hiding in my room was no longer good enough a refuge for me. I wanted to stay away, but there was no where I could go or stay for long. I planned to leave the country but didn't know what I could do and even which country I should choose. I just wanted OUT!


Until ........

Vader came along. When we were just learning about each other, he was the most annoying person ever, because he never allowed me to retreat too much into my cave without first talking to him about issues. I could probably write a novel on this, but it wouldn't even sell lar, maybe only Vader would want to read it. hahaha

The process of coming out of my shell carried on after baby Vader was born, it carries on even now and I will need an entire lifetime of learning. I am thankful for the lessons though.


Last Saturday evening, baby Vader refused all his food, because he saw that Vader and I were having burgers and fries. After much screaming on his part, we let him eat some bread and his fruit (of which he only allowed us to feed him half), then he went to sleep with his bottle of milk. The following day, he started his lunch by pushing away his food and my hands and pointed to my lunch of macaroni soup. I gladly scooped out some for him and gingerly cut the macaroni into smaller pieces for him. He ate 3 or 4 pieces, with his soup, then started whining to be carried out of his chair again. He also toppled his bowl of macaroni on the floor! By this time, I was overcome by worry at the meagre amount of food he was getting into his system, so I raised my voice at him, ignored his whining, picked up all the food on the floor and threw the metal bowl into the sink from the dining table (1.5 metres away), making a loud clang as it landed. Then, knowing that he still wanted me to carry him, I pushed his chair away from myself forcefully (but without any harm to him, thankfully!). My instinct right then was to walk away, to run to another room, but I could not, absolutely could not, because he needed me.

I was torn between my need to get away and his needs and wrecked by guilt at having pushed him away. And I was alone with him at home.... That was when I started crying in front of him. I moved closer to him and held his hands. apologising and explaining why I had lost my cool, while the tears flowed uncontrollably. Baby Vader looked me straight in the eyes while all this was going on.

Then you know what? He smiled at me, then reached out to wipe my tears with his hands. He knew they were tears, because if he was touching something strange, he would have scrunched up his face, looked at his hands and rubbed his fingers. I was being comforted by my own child, still in many ways, a baby........ I can't even describe the feelings evoked within me then. (He then proceeded to finish all his lunch and fruit shortly after that.... phew!)


Today, as I reflect on this episode, I am still reduced to a puddle of tears and reminded of this clip on "Vulnerability" by Brene Brown. Click here to watch it.


Thank you for making me feel loved, Vader, baby Vader and the little one within!

What's for lunch today

Here's looking at one of my favourite chinese dishes!

Braised minced pork in chinese five spice:

Recipe courtesy of http://www.kitchenexperiments.net/. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I stumbled upon this food blog recently, and was shocked that this was categorised under "simple cooking", because in my mind, I imagined the cooking to take hours and the recipe to require all sorts of chinese spices I would not know how to buy. It was really simple actually, and the smells emanating from the pot while I was cooking further encouraged me that this was a worthwhile endeavour.

I would readily cook this for Vader, but I'm not sure how he would like it since it's a pork dish and I'm not sure it would go well with other meats.... erm... maybe beef.... no harm trying :)

You know how chefs like Michael Smith from "Chef at Home" advocate cooking without a recipe, and to just let the ingredients come together themselves? Well I could never do that. I don't even know what tastes good with what... so I always cook with a recipe. They are life-savers for fumbling green horns like myself. But Vader is a different story. He can and does cook without recipes I think.... he can tell what ingredients might be needed or are missing from a certain dish even when we're eating out. I've never asked him how he cooks his dishes, because I've always been afraid it'll be too complex for me, or that maybe he wouldn't be able to give me the exact directions that I would need to replicate a certain dish, just because he cooks by approximation.

I'm not envious though, because I've never dreamed I would be cooking in the kitchen one day, even if only for family members. I've always been the one who volunteered to wash the dishes because I like playing with soap suds and hearing the plates squeaky clean! I've always enjoyed being cooked for, haha! I guess, if I don't have a natural flair for something, I've just got to work harder or find ways to achieve at least an acceptable standard. You know what? I think I'm slowly making my way up this mountain! It's not insurmountable la, .......I think... I hope!

p/s I also managed to cook edible rice on the stove without burning the pot this time.

Hide and Seek with the multi-coloured strip

The bane of my gynae visits:

I'm due for my gynae checkup this evening at 7.10pm. On my check up days, I remind myself not to eat at least 3 to 4 hours before the dreaded routine urine test. In my first trimester, I couldn't allow myself to go hungry, so there was always sugar present when I did the test. On seeing this, my gynae wanted me to go for the glucose test on my 20th week, but by then, I had learnt to avoid eating before the test. I would arrive early to register, rush to get the routine test done, then ta bao sandwiches or a burger to wolf down while waiting for my name to be called. My tests have been clear of any sugar traces so far, so that's a good sign, at least I think it is.

I've always believed the tests to be inaccurate because apart from eating prior to the test, my regular diet does not include sweet drinks or sweets or desserts on a daily or sometimes even weekly basis. I could have had fruit or a few biscuits before the test (because I was that hungry!) and sure enough, sugar would show up on the multi-coloured strip. Or I could be self-deluded and not want to face the possibility that I could develop gestational diabetes, whether or not my diet encourages it.

For now at least, I'll still be playing hide and seek with the multi-coloured strip!

I cooked. Again!

Fishball kwayteow soup this time.

I have no idea how much time I took to cook this, only that it took less than an hour. It involved chopping, frying, defrosting stock and then combining the fried ingredients with the non-fried ones. So while it looks ok, and tastes quite good, I'm still no where near ready to cook this for the family (thankfully the children aren't eating table food yet, that gives me some time to practice still). But it sure was fun!

Clearing out the fridge

Today I made Latkes for lunch. Reason being I had potatoes and eggs in the house that needed to be consumed. I forgot to take a picture of mine, because by the time I was done with the cooking, I was famished. They weren't too bad, and by this I mean that they weren't burnt or undercooked. They looked something like this:

The thing is, I never knew what Latkes were until today - Potato cakes of Jewish origin. I initially wanted to make Rosti, but after I had shredded the potatoes, I realised (from Google) that I should have boiled the potatoes before shredding them. So I searched Youtube and stumbled upon this dish, which suited my still very wet, shredded potatoes. I was initially going to dump the wet potatoes into the pan to fry, but something warned me against it. It was then that I started googling for a recipe for Rosti.

You know, I've never revealed the extent of my lousy cooking to anyone until now. I suspect Vader doesn't even know I could never even fry an egg properly until a few weeks ago, much less cook anything else edible for the family. I've always stayed away from anything that had to do with frying because I've always always failed. The food would either be too oily or burnt, because I could never tell when to put in the ingredients to be fried. Only very recently, I've ventured into fried food, because if the food is inedible, I could just toss it. No one is relying on my cooking at the moment to survive. Vader makes baby Vader's food, thankfully.

So, still baby steps for me. Hopefully one of these days, I can cook something which Vader and the children will truly enjoy!